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Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 22, 2014

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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 22, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your last hope of finding true and unconditional love ends this week when your ideal mate is executed by the State of Texas for unspeakable crimes against humanity.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This week's revelations will be especially mortifying for you, seeing as you've been insisting for years that that life is not some sort of big pie-eating contest.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    When the moment of truth you've been praying for all these years will finally arrives, you'll reject it out of hand rather than admit that it's all been the cat's fault.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll suddenly be torn away from your friends and cast out of the only home you've ever known by the authorities, who insist your sentence is over and you're free to go.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Just as you've always suspected, it is in fact a felony to use your particular method of "getting girls."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Next week will be a time of magical romance and unending joy for you, thanks to your boundless talent for self-delusion.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're going to need a lot of epsom salts and lip balm this week. No, honestly, you can trust us. This isn't like the time with the horse laxatives.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Someday you might learn that it is indeed possible to take a fun thing too far, but not before next week's experimentation with autoerotic asphyxiation.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your combined proclivities towards paranoia and depression combine when you start to think a race of alien lizard-people are controlling life's lowest echelons from behind the scenes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    In a wacky horoscopic mixup, you'll encounter a mysterious stranger who takes you on a journey over water just as you're trying to start new projects at work.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Keep extra apples and bandages around the house next week, as your lover seems to be going through a William Tell phase.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There will be nothing you can do to avert the disaster of next week, although there will be plenty that a reasonably bright and competent person could do.

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