Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 22, 2014

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Vol 50 Issue 16

Ronald McDonald Gets Millennial Makeover

McDonald’s officials announced this week that they are redesigning longtime mascot Ronald McDonald with a new outfit and will begin mentioning him on Twitter using the hashtag #ronaldmcdonald, though he does not yet have an account of his own.

Local TCBY Has Missed Past 2 Logo Changes

Obama spends another night searching behind White House paintings for safes, an autopsy determines a total loser's corpse contained no traces of drugs or alcohol, and a superstitious Delta Airlines adds busty mermaids to its plane noses.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 22, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your last hope of finding true and unconditional love ends this week when your ideal mate is executed by the State of Texas for unspeakable crimes against humanity.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    This week's revelations will be especially mortifying for you, seeing as you've been insisting for years that that life is not some sort of big pie-eating contest.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    When the moment of truth you've been praying for all these years will finally arrives, you'll reject it out of hand rather than admit that it's all been the cat's fault.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll suddenly be torn away from your friends and cast out of the only home you've ever known by the authorities, who insist your sentence is over and you're free to go.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Just as you've always suspected, it is in fact a felony to use your particular method of "getting girls."
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Next week will be a time of magical romance and unending joy for you, thanks to your boundless talent for self-delusion.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You're going to need a lot of epsom salts and lip balm this week. No, honestly, you can trust us. This isn't like the time with the horse laxatives.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Someday you might learn that it is indeed possible to take a fun thing too far, but not before next week's experimentation with autoerotic asphyxiation.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your combined proclivities towards paranoia and depression combine when you start to think a race of alien lizard-people are controlling life's lowest echelons from behind the scenes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    In a wacky horoscopic mixup, you'll encounter a mysterious stranger who takes you on a journey over water just as you're trying to start new projects at work.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Keep extra apples and bandages around the house next week, as your lover seems to be going through a William Tell phase.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    There will be nothing you can do to avert the disaster of next week, although there will be plenty that a reasonably bright and competent person could do.
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