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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 23, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just about everything.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You might think you're the coolest person around, but don't forget about Beth Mills of Austin, TX. She has a hedgehog.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: Three can keep a secret if two are dead. That said, you know what you have to do.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will achieve a certain kind of fame when you discover several more steps to add to your 12-step program.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Because of its dualistic nature, Gemini believes there are two kinds of people in this world: you and those who won't die in a coke-fueled gunfight this Sunday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You’ll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The combination of Mars and Venus in your sun sign indicates that love is in your future whether you can afford it or not.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Remember: Sometimes you just have to step back, take a deep breath, give yourself a shake, and blow off the top of your head with Dad's old shotgun.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll find yourself up the creek without a paddle this week, but take heart: Paddles are available for purchase at any decent sporting-goods store.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Smile! Somebody out there loves you. On second thought, don't smile.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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