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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 24, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a series of well-placed commas.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Don't spend the rest of your life wondering "what if?" Dress the dog in full military regalia before it's too late.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The human body is a work of art, which explains why those security guards won't let you touch it.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Being bright, handsome, and exceptionally talented isn't all that it's cracked up to be. So at least you've got that going for you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll feast on the flesh of your mortal enemy, which is lucky for you, as your mortal enemy is the orange-braised duck.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick. But enough about your love life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your work with disadvantaged and at-risk youth continues this Thursday when you're forced to hand them your wallet.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Friends will soon discover the secret ingredient to your world-famous lemon bars, though they'll lack the necessary motor functions to tell others.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Follow your dreams this week. When delivering a presentation at work, turn into a giant eggplant and fly away.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You can put it off today, and you might even be able to brush it aside tomorrow, but pretty soon you're going to have to figure out why your arm is on fire.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll turn to religion this week, dislocating your neck, both shoulders, and most of your tendons in the process.

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