Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 24, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 17

Pilots

ABC 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 p.m. CST Two airline captains concoct new TV show ideas as they fly

Report: A-Rod Probably Thinking About Betting On Baseball

NEW YORK—After carefully analyzing the progression of contemptible things the Yankees third baseman has done in his career, a report released Friday by the University of Missouri's sports psychology department concluded Alex Rodriguez is most likely...

Cash Cab

Discovery 6:30 p.m. EST/5:30 p.m. CST People who can afford to take cabs get a once-in-a-lifetime shot at hundreds of dollars.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 24, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a series of well-placed commas.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Don't spend the rest of your life wondering "what if?" Dress the dog in full military regalia before it's too late.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The human body is a work of art, which explains why those security guards won't let you touch it.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Being bright, handsome, and exceptionally talented isn't all that it's cracked up to be. So at least you've got that going for you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll feast on the flesh of your mortal enemy, which is lucky for you, as your mortal enemy is the orange-braised duck.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick. But enough about your love life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your work with disadvantaged and at-risk youth continues this Thursday when you're forced to hand them your wallet.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Friends will soon discover the secret ingredient to your world-famous lemon bars, though they'll lack the necessary motor functions to tell others.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Follow your dreams this week. When delivering a presentation at work, turn into a giant eggplant and fly away.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You can put it off today, and you might even be able to brush it aside tomorrow, but pretty soon you're going to have to figure out why your arm is on fire.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll turn to religion this week, dislocating your neck, both shoulders, and most of your tendons in the process.
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