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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 26, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Home is where your heart is, and your lungs and liver too, but despite a monthlong search they'll never find all of you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    For the third excruciating week in a row, you will find yourself power-less to prevent your day from perfectly mimicking the lyrics of "Stairway To Heaven."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You can't help but feel that if there were something you could do to stop being such a wishy-washy, passive, indecisive loser, you would have done it by now.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Air and fire magicks are very strong in your sign right now, so it's fortunate that you're really into igniting your own flatulence.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll find steady if undignified employment as the guy who stands right behind the crime boss and emphatically repeats the last words of all his sentences in a sneering voice.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll fall short of funky expectations this week when you find yourself digging the scene and looking clean, but without any sort of gangster lean.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars have no wisdom or portents to impart at this time, but thought it would be bad manners not to at least say hi.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've always wanted to be the one that people come to for wisdom and comfort, but you'll have to settle for being the one that the stripper winds up talking to about her kids.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sometimes there is just no way to say you're sorry, but the rest of the time you should probably try just walking up to the person and saying "I'm sorry."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You try to be a decent person with a good perspective on life and a firm view of right and wrong, but you'll soon find yourself ordering something called a half-caff skinny maple soy latte.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll be devastated by the news that you could have stopped a major tragedy in Nigeria if you had only answered their pleading e-mails in time.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your eyes will be a little too big for your stomach next week when a sudden hideous allergic reaction causes your eyes to swell up to six times their usual size.

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