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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 26, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Home is where your heart is, and your lungs and liver too, but despite a monthlong search they'll never find all of you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    For the third excruciating week in a row, you will find yourself power-less to prevent your day from perfectly mimicking the lyrics of "Stairway To Heaven."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You can't help but feel that if there were something you could do to stop being such a wishy-washy, passive, indecisive loser, you would have done it by now.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Air and fire magicks are very strong in your sign right now, so it's fortunate that you're really into igniting your own flatulence.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll find steady if undignified employment as the guy who stands right behind the crime boss and emphatically repeats the last words of all his sentences in a sneering voice.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll fall short of funky expectations this week when you find yourself digging the scene and looking clean, but without any sort of gangster lean.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars have no wisdom or portents to impart at this time, but thought it would be bad manners not to at least say hi.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've always wanted to be the one that people come to for wisdom and comfort, but you'll have to settle for being the one that the stripper winds up talking to about her kids.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sometimes there is just no way to say you're sorry, but the rest of the time you should probably try just walking up to the person and saying "I'm sorry."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You try to be a decent person with a good perspective on life and a firm view of right and wrong, but you'll soon find yourself ordering something called a half-caff skinny maple soy latte.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll be devastated by the news that you could have stopped a major tragedy in Nigeria if you had only answered their pleading e-mails in time.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your eyes will be a little too big for your stomach next week when a sudden hideous allergic reaction causes your eyes to swell up to six times their usual size.

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