Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 27, 2010

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Vol 46 Issue 17

PNC Park Sold Out For 'Fan Euthanasia Night'

PITTSBURGH—PNC Park boasted a rare sellout crowd Tuesday when more than 38,000 eager Pirates fans showed up for "Fan Euthanasia Night," during which each attendee was guaranteed "the sweet release of a quick and painless death" c...

Player Drafted At Linebacker To Start At Realtor

OAKLAND, CA—The Raiders organization welcomed sixth-round draft choice Travis Goethel Wednesday and said the Arizona State linebacker would more than likely be asked to start as a Bay-area Realtor by the beginning of next season.

Money Spent For Old Time's Sake

BROCKWAY, PA—Harkening back to an abandoned custom that had long existed only in memory, 28-year-old unemployed graphic designer Leslie Gordon exchanged currency for physical goods at a local shopping establishment Friday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Energy

Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 27, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries

    Fun and despair will be in the air this week when a nearby confetti factory explodes, killing 63 employees.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You've never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps charging you for an extra half hour each week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The stakes will be raised this Thursday, moments before they are repeatedly plunged iinto your chest by frightened townspeople.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll soon stumble upon the secret to a happy marriage—a secret so simple you'll take perverse pleasure in keeping it from your wife.
  • Leo

    Leo

    There's a time and a place for everything, as you'll soon discover after falling into the rhinoceros pit during mating season.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your first instinct this week will be to run, while your second instinct this week will be to find your legs.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The sudden rise in mood swings, wild food cravings, and rapid head-to-toe hair-growth can only mean one thing: It's that time of the lunar cycle again!
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your whole life will flash before your eyes this week, an insignificant blip made all the more trivial by the Benny Hill theme that will accompany it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    While you may have valor, resolve, and even vigor, what you don't have is a basic understanding of what those words actually mean.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your mother may angrily claim that she didn't raise a liar for a son, but what else could you expect from a lizard-human hybrid born out of a top-secret government project?
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    After days of grave and anxious discussion, the stars have decided that it's better you don't know.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your charred, lifeless body will time and again debunk the old myth about lighting never striking the same place twice.
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