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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 27, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Fun and despair will be in the air this week when a nearby confetti factory explodes, killing 63 employees.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps charging you for an extra half hour each week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stakes will be raised this Thursday, moments before they are repeatedly plunged iinto your chest by frightened townspeople.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll soon stumble upon the secret to a happy marriage—a secret so simple you'll take perverse pleasure in keeping it from your wife.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There's a time and a place for everything, as you'll soon discover after falling into the rhinoceros pit during mating season.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your first instinct this week will be to run, while your second instinct this week will be to find your legs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The sudden rise in mood swings, wild food cravings, and rapid head-to-toe hair-growth can only mean one thing: It's that time of the lunar cycle again!
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your whole life will flash before your eyes this week, an insignificant blip made all the more trivial by the Benny Hill theme that will accompany it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While you may have valor, resolve, and even vigor, what you don't have is a basic understanding of what those words actually mean.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your mother may angrily claim that she didn't raise a liar for a son, but what else could you expect from a lizard-human hybrid born out of a top-secret government project?
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After days of grave and anxious discussion, the stars have decided that it's better you don't know.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your charred, lifeless body will time and again debunk the old myth about lighting never striking the same place twice.
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