Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 29, 2014

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Vol 50 Issue 17

60 Teens Arrested In Senior Class Prank

More than 60 students from Teaneck High School in New Jersey were arrested this week after they taped hot dogs to lockers and urinated all over the floors as part of a senior class prank.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 29, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries

    An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You'll once again get into a public shouting match at an upscale bistro over what is and is not in fact gangsta.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Somehow it just seems unfair that several famous people will make hundreds of dollars after picking you for next week's Mundane Individual Dead Pool.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you'll tell about it will be able to attest.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Venus rising in your sign this week sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings but the Zodiac assures you it's merely decorative.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The largest meteorite ever to hit a person was about 45 pounds, making you a posthumous shoo-in for the record next Wednesday.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The universal red shift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say "from you."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The stars are tired of politely nodding when you say you're single because you're "too picky." Put down the fork and pick up the soap, dammit.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    They say God never gives us more than we can handle, which must mean He knows a way you can handle a swarm of hyperagressive Africanized bees.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Before making any important business decisions next week, ask yourself if you're using the same decision-making criteria that sent you to prison.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You'll undergo the kind of stress that would break a lesser woman and which will cause whatever kind of woman you are to shatter into a coarse powder.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your dreams will all come true next week, including the ones you have thus far mercifully forgotten on waking.
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