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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 29, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll once again get into a public shouting match at an upscale bistro over what is and is not in fact gangsta.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Somehow it just seems unfair that several famous people will make hundreds of dollars after picking you for next week's Mundane Individual Dead Pool.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you'll tell about it will be able to attest.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Venus rising in your sign this week sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings but the Zodiac assures you it's merely decorative.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The largest meteorite ever to hit a person was about 45 pounds, making you a posthumous shoo-in for the record next Wednesday.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The universal red shift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say "from you."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars are tired of politely nodding when you say you're single because you're "too picky." Put down the fork and pick up the soap, dammit.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    They say God never gives us more than we can handle, which must mean He knows a way you can handle a swarm of hyperagressive Africanized bees.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Before making any important business decisions next week, ask yourself if you're using the same decision-making criteria that sent you to prison.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll undergo the kind of stress that would break a lesser woman and which will cause whatever kind of woman you are to shatter into a coarse powder.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your dreams will all come true next week, including the ones you have thus far mercifully forgotten on waking.

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