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Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 30th, 2013

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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 30th, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will put your best foot forward this morning, though you’ll still have to drag the other frightening mass of flesh and bone behind it.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of hesitation, you’ll finally come out of your shell this week, falling prey almost immediately to a swooping falcon attack.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You shall drink from the fountain of wisdom this week, repeatedly missing your big dumb mouth, and completely 
soaking your ridiculous shirt.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There’s nothing more 
American than a warm slice of apple pie, which makes the three tons of explosives found in its possession that much more shocking.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It’s impossible to lose something you never really had.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Remember: Being a doctor is more than just putting on a white lab coat and going door-to-door checking in on patients. You’ll need a stethoscope, too.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a 
dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller’s The Crucible.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Since the dawn of time, man has dreamed of flying. Sadly, after this week’s events, it’ll mostly just be nightmares.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren’t so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people had in mind.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While you’re relieved to hear that the test results were negative, the mile-wide skywriting does seem a little excessive.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    People claim that age is 
nothing more than a state of mind, making this week’s stroke revealing on a few different levels.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will scream the name of a loved one from the rooftops this week. Unfortunately for you, she’ll still refuse to let you back into the apartment.

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