Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 30th, 2013

Top Headlines


Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 30th, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will put your best foot forward this morning, though you’ll still have to drag the other frightening mass of flesh and bone behind it.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of hesitation, you’ll finally come out of your shell this week, falling prey almost immediately to a swooping falcon attack.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You shall drink from the fountain of wisdom this week, repeatedly missing your big dumb mouth, and completely 
soaking your ridiculous shirt.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There’s nothing more 
American than a warm slice of apple pie, which makes the three tons of explosives found in its possession that much more shocking.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It’s impossible to lose something you never really had.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Remember: Being a doctor is more than just putting on a white lab coat and going door-to-door checking in on patients. You’ll need a stethoscope, too.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a 
dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller’s The Crucible.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Since the dawn of time, man has dreamed of flying. Sadly, after this week’s events, it’ll mostly just be nightmares.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren’t so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people had in mind.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While you’re relieved to hear that the test results were negative, the mile-wide skywriting does seem a little excessive.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    People claim that age is 
nothing more than a state of mind, making this week’s stroke revealing on a few different levels.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will scream the name of a loved one from the rooftops this week. Unfortunately for you, she’ll still refuse to let you back into the apartment.


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