Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 30th, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 18

Tuesday, May 14

Author and ecologist Michael Strandley will be at the Cameron Library on Tuesday discussing his lifelong work with bears and why he thinks they’re overrated.

No One In Limo Going To Prom With The One They Wanted

INDEPENDENCE, MO—None of the six students in the white stretch limousine presently en route to Harry Truman High School’s senior prom are attending the event with the person they wanted to be their date, sources reported this evening.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 30th, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will put your best foot forward this morning, though you’ll still have to drag the other frightening mass of flesh and bone behind it.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    After years of hesitation, you’ll finally come out of your shell this week, falling prey almost immediately to a swooping falcon attack.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You shall drink from the fountain of wisdom this week, repeatedly missing your big dumb mouth, and completely 
soaking your ridiculous shirt.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    There’s nothing more 
American than a warm slice of apple pie, which makes the three tons of explosives found in its possession that much more shocking.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It’s impossible to lose something you never really had.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Remember: Being a doctor is more than just putting on a white lab coat and going door-to-door checking in on patients. You’ll need a stethoscope, too.
  • Libra

    Libra

    They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a 
dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller’s The Crucible.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Since the dawn of time, man has dreamed of flying. Sadly, after this week’s events, it’ll mostly just be nightmares.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren’t so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people had in mind.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    While you’re relieved to hear that the test results were negative, the mile-wide skywriting does seem a little excessive.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    People claim that age is 
nothing more than a state of mind, making this week’s stroke revealing on a few different levels.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will scream the name of a loved one from the rooftops this week. Unfortunately for you, she’ll still refuse to let you back into the apartment.
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