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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 5, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll have yet another disastrous first date when you get something stuck between your front teeth and a crosstown.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The reality turns out to be okay, but when you heard the phrase "taco truck," you pictured a giant taco that was also a truck.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While it's true that someone in Baltimore loves you, this is less a reason for a jaunty T-shirt than a cause for genuine concern.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars hear your unasked question, and the answer you seek is: "If they keep losing their opener to the Pirates, way more than 103 years."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be spared a potential source of great conflict and divisiveness in your life this week when it's born dead.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Don't worry: There is nothing wrong with you that emergency brain surgery and a quadruple bypass within the next 90 minutes won't solve.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your lips are red and chapped because you keep licking them. To balance this out, lick yourself raw everywhere else.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Next week will call for many, many pairs of leather pants, which would be fine with you if they didn't have to be the kind of pants with asses in them.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll soon be feeling like your old self again thanks to a sudden and tragic relapse into alcoholism.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The sudden spike in the salmon population is no surprise to anyone who knows the real reason you like swimming so much.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A regular routine can provide much-needed structure, but you might be better off if you didn't start every day with a guy trying to saw your head off.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's probably best if you just put your head down and keep sharpening pencils for the next few years.

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