Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 5, 2011

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Vol 47 Issue 14

Detroit Pistons JumboTron Not Even Trying Anymore

AUBURN HILLS, MI—Making flippant remarks about the game such as "BASKETBALL GAME HAPPENING NOW" and "WHO REALLY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT ANY OF THIS?" the Detroit Pistons' JumboTron has reportedly stopped trying to pretend to care abou...

Oh, God, Area Man Making His Move

BRIGHTON, NY—Patrons of the Full Moon Tavern are reporting that oh, God, area man Darrell Barnes is walking right up to that beautiful woman sitting by the window.

Zip-Lining Day Trip To Somehow Save Marriage

CONCORD, NH—According to sources, the deteriorating 10-year-old marriage of Dale and Gina Byer will somehow be magically restored this weekend by a zip-lining excursion to the mountains of northern New Hampshire.

Guy In Audience Shouts Out Perfect Thing

COLUMBUS, OH—Audience members at Crossroads Cinema were treated to an unexpected delight Friday when someone in the crowd shouted out a hilarious thing at the exact right moment, sources reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 5, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll have yet another disastrous first date when you get something stuck between your front teeth and a crosstown.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The reality turns out to be okay, but when you heard the phrase "taco truck," you pictured a giant taco that was also a truck.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    While it's true that someone in Baltimore loves you, this is less a reason for a jaunty T-shirt than a cause for genuine concern.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The stars hear your unasked question, and the answer you seek is: "If they keep losing their opener to the Pirates, way more than 103 years."
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll be spared a potential source of great conflict and divisiveness in your life this week when it's born dead.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Don't worry: There is nothing wrong with you that emergency brain surgery and a quadruple bypass within the next 90 minutes won't solve.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your lips are red and chapped because you keep licking them. To balance this out, lick yourself raw everywhere else.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Next week will call for many, many pairs of leather pants, which would be fine with you if they didn't have to be the kind of pants with asses in them.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll soon be feeling like your old self again thanks to a sudden and tragic relapse into alcoholism.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The sudden spike in the salmon population is no surprise to anyone who knows the real reason you like swimming so much.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    A regular routine can provide much-needed structure, but you might be better off if you didn't start every day with a guy trying to saw your head off.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    It's probably best if you just put your head down and keep sharpening pencils for the next few years.
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