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Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 5, 2011

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 5, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll have yet another disastrous first date when you get something stuck between your front teeth and a crosstown.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The reality turns out to be okay, but when you heard the phrase "taco truck," you pictured a giant taco that was also a truck.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While it's true that someone in Baltimore loves you, this is less a reason for a jaunty T-shirt than a cause for genuine concern.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars hear your unasked question, and the answer you seek is: "If they keep losing their opener to the Pirates, way more than 103 years."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be spared a potential source of great conflict and divisiveness in your life this week when it's born dead.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Don't worry: There is nothing wrong with you that emergency brain surgery and a quadruple bypass within the next 90 minutes won't solve.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your lips are red and chapped because you keep licking them. To balance this out, lick yourself raw everywhere else.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Next week will call for many, many pairs of leather pants, which would be fine with you if they didn't have to be the kind of pants with asses in them.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll soon be feeling like your old self again thanks to a sudden and tragic relapse into alcoholism.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The sudden spike in the salmon population is no surprise to anyone who knows the real reason you like swimming so much.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A regular routine can provide much-needed structure, but you might be better off if you didn't start every day with a guy trying to saw your head off.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's probably best if you just put your head down and keep sharpening pencils for the next few years.

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