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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 5, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll have yet another disastrous first date when you get something stuck between your front teeth and a crosstown.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The reality turns out to be okay, but when you heard the phrase "taco truck," you pictured a giant taco that was also a truck.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While it's true that someone in Baltimore loves you, this is less a reason for a jaunty T-shirt than a cause for genuine concern.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars hear your unasked question, and the answer you seek is: "If they keep losing their opener to the Pirates, way more than 103 years."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be spared a potential source of great conflict and divisiveness in your life this week when it's born dead.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Don't worry: There is nothing wrong with you that emergency brain surgery and a quadruple bypass within the next 90 minutes won't solve.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your lips are red and chapped because you keep licking them. To balance this out, lick yourself raw everywhere else.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Next week will call for many, many pairs of leather pants, which would be fine with you if they didn't have to be the kind of pants with asses in them.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll soon be feeling like your old self again thanks to a sudden and tragic relapse into alcoholism.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The sudden spike in the salmon population is no surprise to anyone who knows the real reason you like swimming so much.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A regular routine can provide much-needed structure, but you might be better off if you didn't start every day with a guy trying to saw your head off.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's probably best if you just put your head down and keep sharpening pencils for the next few years.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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