Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 6, 2010

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Vol 46 Issue 14

MLB Opening Day Marred By Strikeouts

NEW YORK—Players, coaches, fans, and Commissioner Bud Selig expressed concern for the state of professional baseball Monday after MLB's highly anticipated Opening Day was "completely ruined" by a rash of strikeouts that began during the afternoon games and didn't end until the day was over.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 6, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries

    They say that God lives inside each and every one of us. Keep digging away until you find Him.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your fear and distrust of banks will result in you keeping all of your money, blood, and sperm beneath your mattress.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    It's not easy being a woman these days, what with you calling them up all the time and repeatedly begging for a second chance.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Twins are often able to sense when the other is in danger, but you'll continue punching yours in the face long after he's dead.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Skunks are known to spray whenever they feel cornered, though why you decided to approach them with your latest screenplay idea is anyone's guess.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    What you first believe to be identity theft will soon turn out to be just another self-righteous asshole with commitment issues.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Never underestimate the power of suggestion. Neither this morning, nor later this afternoon, when you're busy washing the stars' truck.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll find profound beauty in the hideous and the grotesque this week, you perverted freak.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    This week, take a deep breath, look straight into the mirror, and release Bloody Mary from her otherworldly imprisonment.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The stars know this relationship isn't always easy, baby, but give it a chance. They promise you won't regret it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    In nature, bright and iridescent colors are usually a warning sign to stay away, which explains why you're still single after all these years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Sometimes it's not so much what you say, but how you say it. Also, whether you're naked, high on methamphetamines, and standing in an abandoned parking lot at the time.
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