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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of April 6, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    They say that God lives inside each and every one of us. Keep digging away until you find Him.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your fear and distrust of banks will result in you keeping all of your money, blood, and sperm beneath your mattress.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's not easy being a woman these days, what with you calling them up all the time and repeatedly begging for a second chance.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Twins are often able to sense when the other is in danger, but you'll continue punching yours in the face long after he's dead.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Skunks are known to spray whenever they feel cornered, though why you decided to approach them with your latest screenplay idea is anyone's guess.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    What you first believe to be identity theft will soon turn out to be just another self-righteous asshole with commitment issues.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Never underestimate the power of suggestion. Neither this morning, nor later this afternoon, when you're busy washing the stars' truck.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll find profound beauty in the hideous and the grotesque this week, you perverted freak.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This week, take a deep breath, look straight into the mirror, and release Bloody Mary from her otherworldly imprisonment.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars know this relationship isn't always easy, baby, but give it a chance. They promise you won't regret it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    In nature, bright and iridescent colors are usually a warning sign to stay away, which explains why you're still single after all these years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Sometimes it's not so much what you say, but how you say it. Also, whether you're naked, high on methamphetamines, and standing in an abandoned parking lot at the time.
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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