Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 8, 2014

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Scholars: ‘Gospel Of Jesus’ Wife’ Authentic

Two years after the discovery of a papyrus that includes the phrase “Jesus said to them, ‘my wife,’” researchers have announced that the fragment is not a forgery and was likely written in the Middle Ages, though it does not necess...

Woman Barely Jogging

PORTLAND, OR—Making negligible movements with her arms and legs as she sluggishly made her way along the sidewalk, a woman gradually progressing down Madison Street Friday was barely even jogging, sources confirmed.

Last Living California Raisin Dies Of Prostate Cancer

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Beebop, the percussionist and last surviving member of the 1980s R&B supergroup The California Raisins, died Thursday following a lengthy battle with prostate cancer, multiple sources confirmed this morning.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 8, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries

    A messenger from the Lord will appear to you in glory this this week and in a voice that shakes mountains and shivers oceans, announces price hikes on all divine services.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Mars and Venus will both appear in your sign this week, as will Zach Galifinakis, who is apparently in everything these days.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    When the moment of truth you've been praying for all these years will finally arrives, you'll reject it out of hand rather than admit that it's all been the cat's fault.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    While you've always had good luck at work while operating on the buddy system, next week's attempt to move to the fuck-buddy system will be a complete disaster.
  • Leo

    Leo

    While you're starting to think that your problem is that you're too "in your head," it's actually a rare species of cranial tapeworm.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your attempt to achieve fame no matter what the cost in blood will fail, although the stories of the What's-His-Name Killer will be told for generations.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Although they say it's not over until the fat lady sings, increasingly unrealistic body image standards mean it's now over during vocalization by any female over 135 pounds.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll be trapped in a paralyzing dilemma that can only be solved if you learn something new, take the initiative, or have an original thought of your own.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    This is a good time to make aggressive moves in your romantic life, but not so aggressive that you actually cause yourself physical harm with the Fleshlight.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    While you're often disgusted by the shallowness and ignorance you see all around you, you have to admit it's made it easy for you to get dates.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The King's men part you can understand, but you've never really comprehended how all the King's horses were supposed to help.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    While it may be true that the Emperor has no clothes, you have to admit that if you were the Emperor, you'd walk around naked too.
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