Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 8, 2014

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‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 8, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A messenger from the Lord will appear to you in glory this this week and in a voice that shakes mountains and shivers oceans, announces price hikes on all divine services.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Mars and Venus will both appear in your sign this week, as will Zach Galifinakis, who is apparently in everything these days.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    When the moment of truth you've been praying for all these years will finally arrives, you'll reject it out of hand rather than admit that it's all been the cat's fault.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While you've always had good luck at work while operating on the buddy system, next week's attempt to move to the fuck-buddy system will be a complete disaster.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While you're starting to think that your problem is that you're too "in your head," it's actually a rare species of cranial tapeworm.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your attempt to achieve fame no matter what the cost in blood will fail, although the stories of the What's-His-Name Killer will be told for generations.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Although they say it's not over until the fat lady sings, increasingly unrealistic body image standards mean it's now over during vocalization by any female over 135 pounds.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be trapped in a paralyzing dilemma that can only be solved if you learn something new, take the initiative, or have an original thought of your own.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This is a good time to make aggressive moves in your romantic life, but not so aggressive that you actually cause yourself physical harm with the Fleshlight.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While you're often disgusted by the shallowness and ignorance you see all around you, you have to admit it's made it easy for you to get dates.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The King's men part you can understand, but you've never really comprehended how all the King's horses were supposed to help.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While it may be true that the Emperor has no clothes, you have to admit that if you were the Emperor, you'd walk around naked too.


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