Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 02, 2011

Top Headlines


Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard

Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that test subjects were capable of fully resolving their anxiety by thinking ...

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 02, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll feel a strange mixture of pride and terror when NASA announces it will replace the space shuttle with you in launches starting late next year.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Considering how easy it is to get them these days, you're starting to regret choosing "hugs" over any number of things that rhyme with them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your theory that your life eerily echoes the events in Casablanca is disrupted even further by the disparity in people's emotional involvement with their endings.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Every marriage is like a little nation unto itself, and the failure of yours is a textbook example of how investment in education, the arts, and maybe a puppy are desirable goals for civilization.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Often it feels as if everything is too hard for you and that anything you try ends in failure, but take heart: Those feelings have to be wrong eventually.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Sometimes we find amazing things in places we least expect them, whether it's true love, peace of mind, or, in your case, a pack of furious marauding cannibals.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You have no idea why you've been experiencing laughter, tears, a sudden desire for fried chicken, or an impulse to call the law offices of Marvin Falbaum, but it's probably the TV.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Decent people everywhere will be shocked and appalled by the treatment you received and the conditions under which you were held, but it's not like their jobs are any better.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll find yourself curiously unfulfilled, if not a little frightened, when you finally learn the answer to the question of who watches the birdwatchers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    In retrospect, you should have paid more attention to the obvious warning signs, which were of course placed there by the Department of Transportation for just that purpose.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've been fooling yourself for so long that you've lost track of your sense of identity, your joy in life, and which one is actually the real Shroud of Turin.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    If you somehow magically had the chance to do it all over again, you'd do everything in your power to make her happy. You don't, though, because that's not the way it works.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close