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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 02, 2011

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 02, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll feel a strange mixture of pride and terror when NASA announces it will replace the space shuttle with you in launches starting late next year.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Considering how easy it is to get them these days, you're starting to regret choosing "hugs" over any number of things that rhyme with them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your theory that your life eerily echoes the events in Casablanca is disrupted even further by the disparity in people's emotional involvement with their endings.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Every marriage is like a little nation unto itself, and the failure of yours is a textbook example of how investment in education, the arts, and maybe a puppy are desirable goals for civilization.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Often it feels as if everything is too hard for you and that anything you try ends in failure, but take heart: Those feelings have to be wrong eventually.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Sometimes we find amazing things in places we least expect them, whether it's true love, peace of mind, or, in your case, a pack of furious marauding cannibals.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You have no idea why you've been experiencing laughter, tears, a sudden desire for fried chicken, or an impulse to call the law offices of Marvin Falbaum, but it's probably the TV.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Decent people everywhere will be shocked and appalled by the treatment you received and the conditions under which you were held, but it's not like their jobs are any better.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll find yourself curiously unfulfilled, if not a little frightened, when you finally learn the answer to the question of who watches the birdwatchers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    In retrospect, you should have paid more attention to the obvious warning signs, which were of course placed there by the Department of Transportation for just that purpose.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've been fooling yourself for so long that you've lost track of your sense of identity, your joy in life, and which one is actually the real Shroud of Turin.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    If you somehow magically had the chance to do it all over again, you'd do everything in your power to make her happy. You don't, though, because that's not the way it works.

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