Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 02, 2011

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Vol 47 Issue 31

Blogging Teacher To Return To Work

After a brief suspension, a Pennsylvania teacher will be returning to work at the same high school whose students, faculty, and administrators she criticized in blog posts.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Race Relations

Partying

Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 02, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll feel a strange mixture of pride and terror when NASA announces it will replace the space shuttle with you in launches starting late next year.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Considering how easy it is to get them these days, you're starting to regret choosing "hugs" over any number of things that rhyme with them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your theory that your life eerily echoes the events in Casablanca is disrupted even further by the disparity in people's emotional involvement with their endings.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Every marriage is like a little nation unto itself, and the failure of yours is a textbook example of how investment in education, the arts, and maybe a puppy are desirable goals for civilization.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Often it feels as if everything is too hard for you and that anything you try ends in failure, but take heart: Those feelings have to be wrong eventually.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Sometimes we find amazing things in places we least expect them, whether it's true love, peace of mind, or, in your case, a pack of furious marauding cannibals.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You have no idea why you've been experiencing laughter, tears, a sudden desire for fried chicken, or an impulse to call the law offices of Marvin Falbaum, but it's probably the TV.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Decent people everywhere will be shocked and appalled by the treatment you received and the conditions under which you were held, but it's not like their jobs are any better.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll find yourself curiously unfulfilled, if not a little frightened, when you finally learn the answer to the question of who watches the birdwatchers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    In retrospect, you should have paid more attention to the obvious warning signs, which were of course placed there by the Department of Transportation for just that purpose.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You've been fooling yourself for so long that you've lost track of your sense of identity, your joy in life, and which one is actually the real Shroud of Turin.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    If you somehow magically had the chance to do it all over again, you'd do everything in your power to make her happy. You don't, though, because that's not the way it works.

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