Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 09, 2011

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Vol 47 Issue 32

Seeing Eye Dog Really Blows Off Some Steam In Dog Park

FORT COLLINS, CO—From the moment he was let loose in a local dog park Saturday, golden retriever and licensed Seeing Eye dog Biscuit reportedly blew off some steam by jumping up to lick people's faces, urinating on smaller dogs, and chasing almost e...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 09, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries

    The Virgin Mary will appear in a dream and tell you to go forth in the world to help the poor and needy, causing you to wake up screaming in a cold sweat.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your crude and primitive sense of humor will offend lots of people, but just wait until they get a look at your crude and primitive sense of justice.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You're good at thinking on your feet, which means next week's encounter with the bear trap will leave you somewhat dull-witted in addition to everything else.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    They say celebrities die in threes, which will be cause for alarm when you achieve sudden fame right after the Tom Cruise/Tilda Swinton murder-suicide.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll learn the value of patience, compassion, and tolerance next week and be rather disappointed that it's actually so low.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Please stop exclaiming "That's my jam!" whenever a good song comes on. Everyone knows you are only allowed one jam.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Disregard your suspicions: People aren't secretly plotting to murder you. You can tell by the open, friendly way they say they will murder you right to your face.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You used to think you were pretty dark on the inside, but a run-in with a pavement saw will prove there's plenty of purple, green, and translucent bits in you too.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll finally decide to try that new restaurant around the corner this week, thrilling the stars to no end, as they were wondering if you were ever going to give them something to say.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll actually have an extremely pleasant day Friday due to the extremely powerful narcotics given to you in the severe burn ward.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Be more sensitive to the wishes of others this week, as your indifference to them is affecting your career as a magic-lamp genie.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Mars rising in your sign indicates you are something of a coward, mostly because of the way you keep flinching at it.
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