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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 09, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The Virgin Mary will appear in a dream and tell you to go forth in the world to help the poor and needy, causing you to wake up screaming in a cold sweat.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your crude and primitive sense of humor will offend lots of people, but just wait until they get a look at your crude and primitive sense of justice.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're good at thinking on your feet, which means next week's encounter with the bear trap will leave you somewhat dull-witted in addition to everything else.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    They say celebrities die in threes, which will be cause for alarm when you achieve sudden fame right after the Tom Cruise/Tilda Swinton murder-suicide.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll learn the value of patience, compassion, and tolerance next week and be rather disappointed that it's actually so low.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Please stop exclaiming "That's my jam!" whenever a good song comes on. Everyone knows you are only allowed one jam.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Disregard your suspicions: People aren't secretly plotting to murder you. You can tell by the open, friendly way they say they will murder you right to your face.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You used to think you were pretty dark on the inside, but a run-in with a pavement saw will prove there's plenty of purple, green, and translucent bits in you too.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll finally decide to try that new restaurant around the corner this week, thrilling the stars to no end, as they were wondering if you were ever going to give them something to say.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll actually have an extremely pleasant day Friday due to the extremely powerful narcotics given to you in the severe burn ward.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Be more sensitive to the wishes of others this week, as your indifference to them is affecting your career as a magic-lamp genie.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Mars rising in your sign indicates you are something of a coward, mostly because of the way you keep flinching at it.
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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