adBlockCheck

Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 09, 2011

Top Headlines

Entertainment

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 09, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The Virgin Mary will appear in a dream and tell you to go forth in the world to help the poor and needy, causing you to wake up screaming in a cold sweat.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your crude and primitive sense of humor will offend lots of people, but just wait until they get a look at your crude and primitive sense of justice.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're good at thinking on your feet, which means next week's encounter with the bear trap will leave you somewhat dull-witted in addition to everything else.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    They say celebrities die in threes, which will be cause for alarm when you achieve sudden fame right after the Tom Cruise/Tilda Swinton murder-suicide.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll learn the value of patience, compassion, and tolerance next week and be rather disappointed that it's actually so low.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Please stop exclaiming "That's my jam!" whenever a good song comes on. Everyone knows you are only allowed one jam.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Disregard your suspicions: People aren't secretly plotting to murder you. You can tell by the open, friendly way they say they will murder you right to your face.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You used to think you were pretty dark on the inside, but a run-in with a pavement saw will prove there's plenty of purple, green, and translucent bits in you too.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll finally decide to try that new restaurant around the corner this week, thrilling the stars to no end, as they were wondering if you were ever going to give them something to say.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll actually have an extremely pleasant day Friday due to the extremely powerful narcotics given to you in the severe burn ward.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Be more sensitive to the wishes of others this week, as your indifference to them is affecting your career as a magic-lamp genie.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Mars rising in your sign indicates you are something of a coward, mostly because of the way you keep flinching at it.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close