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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 09, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The Virgin Mary will appear in a dream and tell you to go forth in the world to help the poor and needy, causing you to wake up screaming in a cold sweat.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your crude and primitive sense of humor will offend lots of people, but just wait until they get a look at your crude and primitive sense of justice.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're good at thinking on your feet, which means next week's encounter with the bear trap will leave you somewhat dull-witted in addition to everything else.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    They say celebrities die in threes, which will be cause for alarm when you achieve sudden fame right after the Tom Cruise/Tilda Swinton murder-suicide.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll learn the value of patience, compassion, and tolerance next week and be rather disappointed that it's actually so low.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Please stop exclaiming "That's my jam!" whenever a good song comes on. Everyone knows you are only allowed one jam.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Disregard your suspicions: People aren't secretly plotting to murder you. You can tell by the open, friendly way they say they will murder you right to your face.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You used to think you were pretty dark on the inside, but a run-in with a pavement saw will prove there's plenty of purple, green, and translucent bits in you too.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll finally decide to try that new restaurant around the corner this week, thrilling the stars to no end, as they were wondering if you were ever going to give them something to say.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll actually have an extremely pleasant day Friday due to the extremely powerful narcotics given to you in the severe burn ward.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Be more sensitive to the wishes of others this week, as your indifference to them is affecting your career as a magic-lamp genie.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Mars rising in your sign indicates you are something of a coward, mostly because of the way you keep flinching at it.

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