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What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

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The Onion’s Fall TV Preview

Networks are just weeks away from debuting their Fall lineups, featuring both new shows and returning favorites. The Onion breaks down what to watch this Fall.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 10, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon embark on a long journey over water by night, which will be extremely romantic until you figure out how low the pilot is flying.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This week, you'll gain employment in a strange office in which everyone is happy, no one makes irritating small talk about reality TV, and the work is challenging and rewarding.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your life will be cut tragically short next week by the untimely discovery that your breadmaker can also be used to make doughnuts.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Love flickers, love fades, and love can gutter and die, but love is still better than those fucking compact fluorescent bulbs.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You claim to be a champion of truth and beauty, but you still can't name three poems by Dean Young.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Future archaeologists will find your desiccated skeleton exactly where you starved, midway between two 64-ounce bags of Bugles.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You may be heartbroken, but you can no more stop him from leaving than you can stop the toaster from falling into your bathtub Thursday.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's time you learned to treat people as individuals instead of mathematically predictable members of an aggregate set, no matter how well that works.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    On a dark night this week, the men in lab coats will once more come for you, but it's just because they left one of their lab coats at your place last time.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars had something important to tell you, but California's gay- marriage ban was just overturned so they're going to get drunk and go dancing instead.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They thought they had you pegged. They thought they could screw you over and you'd just take it lying down. They were wrong. You're thrashing about in ecstasy like a crazy person. It's a little freaky.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your life will continue on pretty much the way it always has.

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