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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 10, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon embark on a long journey over water by night, which will be extremely romantic until you figure out how low the pilot is flying.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This week, you'll gain employment in a strange office in which everyone is happy, no one makes irritating small talk about reality TV, and the work is challenging and rewarding.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your life will be cut tragically short next week by the untimely discovery that your breadmaker can also be used to make doughnuts.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Love flickers, love fades, and love can gutter and die, but love is still better than those fucking compact fluorescent bulbs.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You claim to be a champion of truth and beauty, but you still can't name three poems by Dean Young.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Future archaeologists will find your desiccated skeleton exactly where you starved, midway between two 64-ounce bags of Bugles.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You may be heartbroken, but you can no more stop him from leaving than you can stop the toaster from falling into your bathtub Thursday.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's time you learned to treat people as individuals instead of mathematically predictable members of an aggregate set, no matter how well that works.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    On a dark night this week, the men in lab coats will once more come for you, but it's just because they left one of their lab coats at your place last time.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars had something important to tell you, but California's gay- marriage ban was just overturned so they're going to get drunk and go dancing instead.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They thought they had you pegged. They thought they could screw you over and you'd just take it lying down. They were wrong. You're thrashing about in ecstasy like a crazy person. It's a little freaky.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your life will continue on pretty much the way it always has.
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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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