Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 10, 2010

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Vol 46 Issue 32

Ochocinco, Owens Preparing Touchdown Celebration Opera

CINCINNATI—Bengals wide receivers Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens reportedly stayed late after practice Tuesday to begin writing the libretto and music for, and start preliminary blocking on, a new touchdown-celebration opera.

New Edition Of Bible Specifically Mentions Second Amendment

CHICAGO—A new translation of the Bible released this week directly mentions the Second Amendment on eight occasions, and includes a version of Psalm 23 that begins, "The Lord is my shepherd, and the right of the people to keep and bear arms sha...

Employees Suspect Old Man Came To Roy Rogers To Die

ALLENTOWN, PA—"He came shuffling in really slowly this morning and just sort of slumped over there in the back," said cashier Brianne Pecor, 17, who claimed the old man has ordered nothing in the past two hours but a small cup of coffee. "It's pretty heartbreaking to watch. Guess the poor old guy doesn't have much of an appetite left. He's probably just looking for a calm, quiet corner where he can curl up and pass away."

Medical Tourism May Spread Superbug

A new strain of bacteria that is immune to most antibiotics has been found in patients who underwent surgery in India, and its imminent spread is worrying experts.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 10, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will soon embark on a long journey over water by night, which will be extremely romantic until you figure out how low the pilot is flying.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    This week, you'll gain employment in a strange office in which everyone is happy, no one makes irritating small talk about reality TV, and the work is challenging and rewarding.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your life will be cut tragically short next week by the untimely discovery that your breadmaker can also be used to make doughnuts.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Love flickers, love fades, and love can gutter and die, but love is still better than those fucking compact fluorescent bulbs.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You claim to be a champion of truth and beauty, but you still can't name three poems by Dean Young.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Future archaeologists will find your desiccated skeleton exactly where you starved, midway between two 64-ounce bags of Bugles.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You may be heartbroken, but you can no more stop him from leaving than you can stop the toaster from falling into your bathtub Thursday.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    It's time you learned to treat people as individuals instead of mathematically predictable members of an aggregate set, no matter how well that works.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    On a dark night this week, the men in lab coats will once more come for you, but it's just because they left one of their lab coats at your place last time.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The stars had something important to tell you, but California's gay- marriage ban was just overturned so they're going to get drunk and go dancing instead.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    They thought they had you pegged. They thought they could screw you over and you'd just take it lying down. They were wrong. You're thrashing about in ecstasy like a crazy person. It's a little freaky.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your life will continue on pretty much the way it always has.
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