Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 12, 2014

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Vol 50 Issue 32

Wrigley Field Removes Iconic Ivy From Urinal Troughs

CHICAGO—In a move that has outraged many fans who consider the vines a treasured part of Wrigley Field’s charm and unique character, the Chicago Cubs announced Friday that they would be removing the stadium’s iconic ivy from its urinal t...

Weak-Willed Termite Eats Whole Log In One Sitting

A local man feels even lazier when he thinks about how much ISIS has accomplished this year, a police officer doesn’t see a difference between black and light-skinned black suspects, and a weak-willed termite eats a whole log in one sitting.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 12, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries

    You're starting to think about settling down, finding a nice little place, starting a family, maybe eventually even getting some clothes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Don't worry: There's absolutely nothing wrong with your goals, as long as you realize they're unrealistic and you can never actually achieve them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Rescue personnel will stretch the English language, the human voice, and the average person's constitution to unprecedented limits while trying to describe the horrible sounds you'll make next week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    This is a good month to take long trips, as long as you travel in a slow, ground-based vehicle without all that much fuel in it.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The habit is certainly awkward for your friends and family members, but this would actually be a bad time to discontinue your practice of carrying a battle-ax to church.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The constellation has seen you gazing at her in silent supplication, and she has this message for you: Her eyes are up here.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You'll be astounded to learn this week that, in certain less-than-legitimate circumstances, monkeys do come in barrels, but they are no fun whatsoever.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You've succeeded in breeding pandas in captivity, but the hard part will be getting them to breed with each other.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You always wanted to die peacefully at home in your sleep, but look at it this way: You'll be at home, all right, and the flames will spread so fast you'll only be awake for a few seconds.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You're spending less time considering your future these days, which, all things considered, is only appropriate.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do. Push your grandmother in front of a bus this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Time and space are both illusions, making it even more frustrating that you're always in the wrong place at the wrong time.
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