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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 12, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're starting to think about settling down, finding a nice little place, starting a family, maybe eventually even getting some clothes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Don't worry: There's absolutely nothing wrong with your goals, as long as you realize they're unrealistic and you can never actually achieve them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Rescue personnel will stretch the English language, the human voice, and the average person's constitution to unprecedented limits while trying to describe the horrible sounds you'll make next week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This is a good month to take long trips, as long as you travel in a slow, ground-based vehicle without all that much fuel in it.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The habit is certainly awkward for your friends and family members, but this would actually be a bad time to discontinue your practice of carrying a battle-ax to church.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The constellation has seen you gazing at her in silent supplication, and she has this message for you: Her eyes are up here.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll be astounded to learn this week that, in certain less-than-legitimate circumstances, monkeys do come in barrels, but they are no fun whatsoever.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've succeeded in breeding pandas in captivity, but the hard part will be getting them to breed with each other.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You always wanted to die peacefully at home in your sleep, but look at it this way: You'll be at home, all right, and the flames will spread so fast you'll only be awake for a few seconds.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're spending less time considering your future these days, which, all things considered, is only appropriate.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do. Push your grandmother in front of a bus this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Time and space are both illusions, making it even more frustrating that you're always in the wrong place at the wrong time.
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