Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 13, 2013

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 33

Government Finally Admits Existence Of Area 51

In declassified CIA documents, the government officially acknowledged for the first time ever the existence of Area 51, saying that the top-secret location in the Nevada desert was created as a testing site for the U-2 spy plane in the 1950s.

Dog Unaware It Isn't Starving

Scientists finally pronounce the human genome, a new report finds that the Washington Redskins’ name is only offensive if you think about what it means, and a bigoted asshole makes the best barbecue.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 13, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    Unexpected and startling events in the coming days will compel you to become more familiar with your monthly menstrual cycle.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Please stop insisting you have nothing left to live for. The phrase you’re looking for is “never had a reason to live.”
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver’s license.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your future as a songwriter ends almost before it begins when you find that someone has already compared the depth, power, and beauty of their love to an ocean.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The universe has a funny way of balancing things out. Prepare to lose your other eye by the end of the month.
  • Libra

    Libra

    All of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this Friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    People say you’re a control freak, but if you had your way, they’d say it a little slower and maybe even a touch louder.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    There is a time and place for everything, except for your loud and incompetent scat singing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    For centuries fire was a sacred symbol of vitality and strength. Keep this in mind as you roll around frantically on your kitchen floor this Thursday.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Look to nature for encouragement and inspiration this week. Do this for as many ungodly hours as it damn well takes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You’ll be honored as a true war hero, proving once and for all how dire the situation in Iraq has become.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More