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The Onion’s Fall TV Preview

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Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 13, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Unexpected and startling events in the coming days will compel you to become more familiar with your monthly menstrual cycle.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Please stop insisting you have nothing left to live for. The phrase you’re looking for is “never had a reason to live.”
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver’s license.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your future as a songwriter ends almost before it begins when you find that someone has already compared the depth, power, and beauty of their love to an ocean.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The universe has a funny way of balancing things out. Prepare to lose your other eye by the end of the month.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    All of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this Friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    People say you’re a control freak, but if you had your way, they’d say it a little slower and maybe even a touch louder.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    There is a time and place for everything, except for your loud and incompetent scat singing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    For centuries fire was a sacred symbol of vitality and strength. Keep this in mind as you roll around frantically on your kitchen floor this Thursday.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Look to nature for encouragement and inspiration this week. Do this for as many ungodly hours as it damn well takes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You’ll be honored as a true war hero, proving once and for all how dire the situation in Iraq has become.

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