Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 16, 2011

Top Headlines


Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 16, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your life will soon cross the line from comedy to tragedy, sending an entirely different group of people into gales of laughter.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll slowly start to see the value of improving communication in all your relationships, if only to better understand what the frantic firemen are trying to tell you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You may feel you've run out of gas, but don't worry: It's commercially available and that trick with the Coke bottle, the rag, and the match still works like a charm.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll finally learn you can't run away from your problems, but you haven't given up on escaping by donning a clever disguise and hiding in a crowded restaurant.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Mars rising in your sign usually indicates increased conflict in life, but in this case it means the orbital plane of Earth has shifted and we are all about to die.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's becoming almost impossible to wake your lover up for sex, which means you've finally hit on the right combination of drugs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It turns out you're the reason your sign is associated with daring, free-spirited people who like to borrow whole seasons of shows on DVD and not give them back.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A heralding angel of the Lord will appear unto you, seem confused, ask the date, apologize for visiting a few years early, and tell you not to use birth control for a while.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll soon enjoy a nice hearty Italian dinner with your family, just like you always do after convincing Mom to enter rehab.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You might think it's wrapped up nice and neat and you can just wash your hands of the thing, but it's a baby, for Christ's sake.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll provide much-needed insight and deep wisdom when you loudly proclaim that those politicians are just a bunch of crooks in front of the whole bar.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Expect little change from last week, aside from the marauding badgers growing rudimentary thumbs and learning to use chipped flint tools.


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