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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 16, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your life will soon cross the line from comedy to tragedy, sending an entirely different group of people into gales of laughter.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll slowly start to see the value of improving communication in all your relationships, if only to better understand what the frantic firemen are trying to tell you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You may feel you've run out of gas, but don't worry: It's commercially available and that trick with the Coke bottle, the rag, and the match still works like a charm.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll finally learn you can't run away from your problems, but you haven't given up on escaping by donning a clever disguise and hiding in a crowded restaurant.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Mars rising in your sign usually indicates increased conflict in life, but in this case it means the orbital plane of Earth has shifted and we are all about to die.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's becoming almost impossible to wake your lover up for sex, which means you've finally hit on the right combination of drugs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It turns out you're the reason your sign is associated with daring, free-spirited people who like to borrow whole seasons of shows on DVD and not give them back.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A heralding angel of the Lord will appear unto you, seem confused, ask the date, apologize for visiting a few years early, and tell you not to use birth control for a while.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll soon enjoy a nice hearty Italian dinner with your family, just like you always do after convincing Mom to enter rehab.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You might think it's wrapped up nice and neat and you can just wash your hands of the thing, but it's a baby, for Christ's sake.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll provide much-needed insight and deep wisdom when you loudly proclaim that those politicians are just a bunch of crooks in front of the whole bar.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Expect little change from last week, aside from the marauding badgers growing rudimentary thumbs and learning to use chipped flint tools.

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