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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 16, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your life will soon cross the line from comedy to tragedy, sending an entirely different group of people into gales of laughter.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll slowly start to see the value of improving communication in all your relationships, if only to better understand what the frantic firemen are trying to tell you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You may feel you've run out of gas, but don't worry: It's commercially available and that trick with the Coke bottle, the rag, and the match still works like a charm.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll finally learn you can't run away from your problems, but you haven't given up on escaping by donning a clever disguise and hiding in a crowded restaurant.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Mars rising in your sign usually indicates increased conflict in life, but in this case it means the orbital plane of Earth has shifted and we are all about to die.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's becoming almost impossible to wake your lover up for sex, which means you've finally hit on the right combination of drugs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It turns out you're the reason your sign is associated with daring, free-spirited people who like to borrow whole seasons of shows on DVD and not give them back.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A heralding angel of the Lord will appear unto you, seem confused, ask the date, apologize for visiting a few years early, and tell you not to use birth control for a while.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll soon enjoy a nice hearty Italian dinner with your family, just like you always do after convincing Mom to enter rehab.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You might think it's wrapped up nice and neat and you can just wash your hands of the thing, but it's a baby, for Christ's sake.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll provide much-needed insight and deep wisdom when you loudly proclaim that those politicians are just a bunch of crooks in front of the whole bar.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Expect little change from last week, aside from the marauding badgers growing rudimentary thumbs and learning to use chipped flint tools.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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