Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 16, 2011

In This Section

Vol 47 Issue 33

End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Innovation

Sleep

Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 16, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your life will soon cross the line from comedy to tragedy, sending an entirely different group of people into gales of laughter.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You'll slowly start to see the value of improving communication in all your relationships, if only to better understand what the frantic firemen are trying to tell you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You may feel you've run out of gas, but don't worry: It's commercially available and that trick with the Coke bottle, the rag, and the match still works like a charm.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll finally learn you can't run away from your problems, but you haven't given up on escaping by donning a clever disguise and hiding in a crowded restaurant.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Mars rising in your sign usually indicates increased conflict in life, but in this case it means the orbital plane of Earth has shifted and we are all about to die.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    It's becoming almost impossible to wake your lover up for sex, which means you've finally hit on the right combination of drugs.
  • Libra

    Libra

    It turns out you're the reason your sign is associated with daring, free-spirited people who like to borrow whole seasons of shows on DVD and not give them back.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    A heralding angel of the Lord will appear unto you, seem confused, ask the date, apologize for visiting a few years early, and tell you not to use birth control for a while.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll soon enjoy a nice hearty Italian dinner with your family, just like you always do after convincing Mom to enter rehab.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You might think it's wrapped up nice and neat and you can just wash your hands of the thing, but it's a baby, for Christ's sake.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You'll provide much-needed insight and deep wisdom when you loudly proclaim that those politicians are just a bunch of crooks in front of the whole bar.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Expect little change from last week, aside from the marauding badgers growing rudimentary thumbs and learning to use chipped flint tools.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More