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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 17, 2010

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 17, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    To be truly human is to never give up; however, to be truly human is also to know the meaning of sacrifice. It's some deep shit, really.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Financial success continues to elude you, as you have yet to determine the best way to advertise your enjoyable and affordable mustache rides.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    An error in last week's horoscope has probably resulted in you having a chance midnight encounter with a tall dark strangler. The stars regret any inconvenience.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Will you have the inner strength to deny a love that is no good for you? Do you have the courage to retry a project you've failed at before? Find out in next week's Cancer!
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    When all's been said and all's been done and you finally look back on the entirety of your life, it will be about 3 p.m. next Wednesday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Although it's true that the only tool you have is a hammer, everything you see looks a lot more like a sort of medium-sized box than a nail.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've never been able to explain why, but you have a sneaking suspicion that the narrator of 10cc's 1975 hit "I'm Not In Love" was in fact in love.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll manage to get through the entire Helen Keller presentation with no hilarious slip-ups, but afterward you'll be complimented by a guy with no arms and no legs who likes to water-ski.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sometimes you miss your days as part of a plucky band of mystery-solving teens, but hey, survivor guilt is like that.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    In a complete reversal of conventional wisdom, you'll find that you do in fact have to be crazy to work at your job, and that no, it doesn't help.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    No one knows what mysteries lie deep in the human heart, but you figure they must not be rinsing it thoroughly or using a bright enough flashlight.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've always been a never-say-die type of person. Luckily, your impending death will be so embarrassingly obvious that words will be unnecessary.

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