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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 19, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll become embroiled in a steamy office romance next week, which would be better if you weren't the trusty in charge of bringing the warden his meals.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's going to be hectic and stressful for the next few days, but it'll all be worth it by Friday when the pope excommunicates you for the coolest reason ever.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're a bit sad that you never get invited to cool parties, but you'll be downright angry when you hear about the awesome ones they hold at your place the second you leave every day.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember, a bend in the road isn't the end of the road. While we're on the subject, the circular device on the dashboard can be used to turn your car.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Next week's horrifying accident inspires an outcry for more stringent safety standards in coal-fueled power plans until everyone realizes it was actually just all your fault.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your whole life is thrown into a terrible new perspective when you learn that Enter The Dragon is not intended to be a romantic comedy.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your troubles will all be over next week, and what's even better, it all happens so fast that investigators will agree you probably didn't feel a thing.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll get a free beverage refill when ordering a large-sized French fries, but really that's going to be about it for you this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You should avoid making any financial decisions next week, as the pain you'll be in from all the third-degree flash burns will probably affect your judgment.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While the ideal gas law is certainly important, your attempt to apply it to every situation in your life can only lead to disaster.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Former Rams quarterback Norm Van Brocklin will appear to you in a dream and explain to you at embarrassing length why you're not quite good enough for Bart Starr to appear in your dreams.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    All your hard work will finally pay off this week, but not, of course, for you.

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