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Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 20, 2013

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Entertainment

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 20, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Try listening to your body this week. It's got a bunch of really great stories about hanging out with Jimmy Page.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Sure, they might blame you now, but how were you supposed to know the waters were unsafe at Everyone Always Gets Killed Beach.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After days of searching, you'll finally find comfort this week. Just above "comforter," and right below "confit."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Internal bleeding is usually a sign of serious trauma, so relax, you and your blood-soaked clothes are totally fine.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    By this time next year, you'll be 400,000 dollars richer, two cars the better, and just as gullible as you are now.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Sometimes in life you just have to march right in there, introduce yourself, fight off a couple of rather large security guards, and demand a raise.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: Guns aren't toys. Except for the plastic toy kind. Or the high-powered rifle kind, which you can totally use to have a ton of fun.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your two pack-a-day habit will finally kill you this week, but then, that's a lot of wolves to fight off.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars foresee a time of great uncertainty in the day to come. Also, the stars foresee a time of great covering their collective asses in the days to come.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    All of your questions will be answered this week, moments after the zookeeper, the fire marshal, and the roller-coaster operator all tell you, "No."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The attention is nice and all, but in the end, you put your pants on just like everyone else: One thirty million dollar cybernetic leg at a time.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    What's the matter? Couldn't find your precious People magazine horoscopes this week? Oh, you want your fortune, do you? Here's your fortune: Go die, asshole.

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