Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 20, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 34

Breaking Bad

AMC 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT LeVar Burton takes children out to a river, where they catch rainbow trout and try to discern the fish’s personality just by how it flops around on the shore.

Monday, September 2

Due to budget cuts, beginning next week the library is replacing Movie Mondays with Blondie Comic–Reading Mondays.

$80,000 Wedding Beautiful

The Obama family adopts a 44-Year-Old Portuguese water man, a report shows that employers know within the first five minutes whether or not they will murder an applicant, and well, the neighbors just got a pitbull.

Chuck Klosterman Corners Guy At Party Wearing Dio Shirt

NEW YORK—Author Chuck Klosterman reportedly cornered a guy who was wearing a Dio shirt at a party Thursday evening and dominated an exhaustive discussion on the metal band, addressing the group’s fantasy themes, deconstructing lyrics, and expo...

Ben Affleck To Play Batman

The president of Warner Bros. announced yesterday that Ben Affleck will play the role of Batman in the 2015 sequel to this summer’s Man of Steel, in which Batman will join forces with Superman.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 20, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    Try listening to your body this week. It's got a bunch of really great stories about hanging out with Jimmy Page.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Sure, they might blame you now, but how were you supposed to know the waters were unsafe at Everyone Always Gets Killed Beach.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    After days of searching, you'll finally find comfort this week. Just above "comforter," and right below "confit."
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Internal bleeding is usually a sign of serious trauma, so relax, you and your blood-soaked clothes are totally fine.
  • Leo

    Leo

    By this time next year, you'll be 400,000 dollars richer, two cars the better, and just as gullible as you are now.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Sometimes in life you just have to march right in there, introduce yourself, fight off a couple of rather large security guards, and demand a raise.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Remember: Guns aren't toys. Except for the plastic toy kind. Or the high-powered rifle kind, which you can totally use to have a ton of fun.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your two pack-a-day habit will finally kill you this week, but then, that's a lot of wolves to fight off.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The stars foresee a time of great uncertainty in the day to come. Also, the stars foresee a time of great covering their collective asses in the days to come.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    All of your questions will be answered this week, moments after the zookeeper, the fire marshal, and the roller-coaster operator all tell you, "No."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The attention is nice and all, but in the end, you put your pants on just like everyone else: One thirty million dollar cybernetic leg at a time.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    What's the matter? Couldn't find your precious People magazine horoscopes this week? Oh, you want your fortune, do you? Here's your fortune: Go die, asshole.
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