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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 20, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Try listening to your body this week. It's got a bunch of really great stories about hanging out with Jimmy Page.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Sure, they might blame you now, but how were you supposed to know the waters were unsafe at Everyone Always Gets Killed Beach.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After days of searching, you'll finally find comfort this week. Just above "comforter," and right below "confit."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Internal bleeding is usually a sign of serious trauma, so relax, you and your blood-soaked clothes are totally fine.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    By this time next year, you'll be 400,000 dollars richer, two cars the better, and just as gullible as you are now.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Sometimes in life you just have to march right in there, introduce yourself, fight off a couple of rather large security guards, and demand a raise.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: Guns aren't toys. Except for the plastic toy kind. Or the high-powered rifle kind, which you can totally use to have a ton of fun.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your two pack-a-day habit will finally kill you this week, but then, that's a lot of wolves to fight off.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars foresee a time of great uncertainty in the day to come. Also, the stars foresee a time of great covering their collective asses in the days to come.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    All of your questions will be answered this week, moments after the zookeeper, the fire marshal, and the roller-coaster operator all tell you, "No."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The attention is nice and all, but in the end, you put your pants on just like everyone else: One thirty million dollar cybernetic leg at a time.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    What's the matter? Couldn't find your precious People magazine horoscopes this week? Oh, you want your fortune, do you? Here's your fortune: Go die, asshole.

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