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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 21, 2012

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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 21, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Running away from your problems will fail this week, as will climbing out of your problems’ reach and playing dead in hopes that your problems go away.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars indicate that you've really done it this time. I mean, just look around, for God's sake. How did this even happen?
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your passionate lovemaking will wake up the neighbors this week, making it a lot harder for you to have sex with them.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    All you'll want for Christmas are your two front teeth, along with your four bottom incisors, the six molars at the back of your mouth, and whatever other bicuspids are missing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're about to make one woman very happy, and hundreds of thousands of other women extremely relieved.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your face will soon be on the cover of every newspaper in town, thanks to a rather gruesome printing-press accident.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say that you're going blind, that your vision is rapidly deteriorating, but don't worry: They are just a coatrack and hat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Frustration will be yours this week when an airliner spirals out of control and crashes into the ground every time you're about to speak.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Don't let other people influence your future. That's what a vague and arbitrary set of cosmic indicators is for.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll discover the secret of fire this week—namely that it can make your ex-wife pay for everything she's done to you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Lately it seems as though you're running out of steam. Shovel more coal into your firebox to rotate the paddle wheel.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    When given a choice between tuna salad or egg salad this week, go with the egg salad. Just trust the stars on this one.

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