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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 21, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Running away from your problems will fail this week, as will climbing out of your problems’ reach and playing dead in hopes that your problems go away.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars indicate that you've really done it this time. I mean, just look around, for God's sake. How did this even happen?
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your passionate lovemaking will wake up the neighbors this week, making it a lot harder for you to have sex with them.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    All you'll want for Christmas are your two front teeth, along with your four bottom incisors, the six molars at the back of your mouth, and whatever other bicuspids are missing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're about to make one woman very happy, and hundreds of thousands of other women extremely relieved.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your face will soon be on the cover of every newspaper in town, thanks to a rather gruesome printing-press accident.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say that you're going blind, that your vision is rapidly deteriorating, but don't worry: They are just a coatrack and hat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Frustration will be yours this week when an airliner spirals out of control and crashes into the ground every time you're about to speak.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Don't let other people influence your future. That's what a vague and arbitrary set of cosmic indicators is for.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll discover the secret of fire this week—namely that it can make your ex-wife pay for everything she's done to you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Lately it seems as though you're running out of steam. Shovel more coal into your firebox to rotate the paddle wheel.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    When given a choice between tuna salad or egg salad this week, go with the egg salad. Just trust the stars on this one.
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

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