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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 23, 2011

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 23, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your dealings with the dark powers will be jeopardized when even they are a little freaked out by how eager you are to behead all those chickens.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be transfixed by the realiztion that human lives are as unique as a snowflakes, and just as indistinguishable from one another when viewed from the proper distance.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll soon grow dependent on drugs just to make it through the day, but unfortunately it's because of cancer and not anything fun or interesting like addiction.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your death next week will come as a complete surprise, but appropriately enough, not for the reasons you might expect.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You always thought that when the giant robots began to arrive they'd be your friends, but hey, live and learn.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've always been afraid to try new things, which is fortunate, as a whole bunch of new things will go around killing people who try them this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your pessimism and negativity are usually misplaced, but they'll be perfectly appropriate when your elevator plunges into the flames Thursday.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sure enough, Al Green will take all your blues away trust like he always does, but the day is fast approaching when you'll find out where he's been taking them.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Millions of dollars will slip through your fingers when you discover that people are willing to pay good money for fake dog feces and decide the real thing must be worth twice as much.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While you might have been able to forgive her for walking out on you, your hatred of ska music is such that you'll never be able to forgive her for skanking out on you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've given up tilting at windmills once and for all, pragmatically deciding to dispatch them with much more sensible grenades instead of that horseback-lance setup.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Uncontrollable spasms will cause you to accidentally scrawl across many of your important meeting notes this week, proving conclusively that orgasms are simply not worth the trouble.

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