Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 23, 2011

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Vol 47 Issue 34

Terrelle Pryor

The Raiders acquired the controversy-ridden Ohio State quarterback in the NFL supplementary draft. Is he any good?

NFL Fans Looking Forward To Season Of Touchbacks

NEW YORK—The National Football League's decision to move kickoffs to the 35 yard line has football fans across the nation anticipating a 2011 season full of dramatic, tension-producing touchbacks, league sources report.

Novelist Has Whole Shitty World Plotted Out

GLOUCESTER, MA—As he neared completion this week on his latest novel, By The Water's Edge, author Edward Milligan marveled aloud to reporters how he was able to flesh out, in meticulous detail, every single corner of his book's vast and stunn...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Partying

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 23, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your dealings with the dark powers will be jeopardized when even they are a little freaked out by how eager you are to behead all those chickens.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will be transfixed by the realiztion that human lives are as unique as a snowflakes, and just as indistinguishable from one another when viewed from the proper distance.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll soon grow dependent on drugs just to make it through the day, but unfortunately it's because of cancer and not anything fun or interesting like addiction.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your death next week will come as a complete surprise, but appropriately enough, not for the reasons you might expect.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You always thought that when the giant robots began to arrive they'd be your friends, but hey, live and learn.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You've always been afraid to try new things, which is fortunate, as a whole bunch of new things will go around killing people who try them this week.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your pessimism and negativity are usually misplaced, but they'll be perfectly appropriate when your elevator plunges into the flames Thursday.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Sure enough, Al Green will take all your blues away trust like he always does, but the day is fast approaching when you'll find out where he's been taking them.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Millions of dollars will slip through your fingers when you discover that people are willing to pay good money for fake dog feces and decide the real thing must be worth twice as much.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    While you might have been able to forgive her for walking out on you, your hatred of ska music is such that you'll never be able to forgive her for skanking out on you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You've given up tilting at windmills once and for all, pragmatically deciding to dispatch them with much more sensible grenades instead of that horseback-lance setup.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Uncontrollable spasms will cause you to accidentally scrawl across many of your important meeting notes this week, proving conclusively that orgasms are simply not worth the trouble.
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