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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 23, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your dealings with the dark powers will be jeopardized when even they are a little freaked out by how eager you are to behead all those chickens.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be transfixed by the realiztion that human lives are as unique as a snowflakes, and just as indistinguishable from one another when viewed from the proper distance.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll soon grow dependent on drugs just to make it through the day, but unfortunately it's because of cancer and not anything fun or interesting like addiction.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your death next week will come as a complete surprise, but appropriately enough, not for the reasons you might expect.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You always thought that when the giant robots began to arrive they'd be your friends, but hey, live and learn.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've always been afraid to try new things, which is fortunate, as a whole bunch of new things will go around killing people who try them this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your pessimism and negativity are usually misplaced, but they'll be perfectly appropriate when your elevator plunges into the flames Thursday.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sure enough, Al Green will take all your blues away trust like he always does, but the day is fast approaching when you'll find out where he's been taking them.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Millions of dollars will slip through your fingers when you discover that people are willing to pay good money for fake dog feces and decide the real thing must be worth twice as much.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While you might have been able to forgive her for walking out on you, your hatred of ska music is such that you'll never be able to forgive her for skanking out on you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've given up tilting at windmills once and for all, pragmatically deciding to dispatch them with much more sensible grenades instead of that horseback-lance setup.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Uncontrollable spasms will cause you to accidentally scrawl across many of your important meeting notes this week, proving conclusively that orgasms are simply not worth the trouble.

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