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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 24, 2010

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Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 24, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You should really try to live your life so that your happiness doesn't depend so much on whether or not they find the Higgs boson particle.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll take a long trip on a luxurious passenger train and meet a diverse group of travelers, all of whom will later collaborate to murder you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've managed to maintain a little bit of mystery about yourself, but that will evaporate when they find the last two nurses' bodies.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars only allowed you to keep that kitten because you promised you'd feed it and clean up after it. Now put it in the shoe box and say goodbye.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If there's one thing that gives you hope when all else fails—one small true thing that keeps you hanging on to this life—you sure haven't thought of it yet.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After years of trying to cultivate a gruff-but-lovable persona, you've gotten as far as a pretty decent abusive-but-fuckable.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    People are free to think whatever they want, but you're pretty sure the parking-lot attendant guys were the real heroes of Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll be diagnosed with a rare condition that makes it impossible for you to get started in the morning unless you have, like, three cups of coffee.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You won't be immortalized upon death, specifically, but people will come from miles around to see the Tomb of the Unknown Guy Who Tried to Eat a Whole 6-Foot Sub In 30 Seconds.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's not that she no longer loves you, it's that she never did. She is a plastic doll and cannot love.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The smell still won't go away. It won't. It won't. It won't.

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