Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 24, 2010

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Vol 46 Issue 34

AFC South

Jacksonville Jaguars Strength: With stalwart Aaron Kampman at defensive end, opponents will be forced to throw the ball at the Jaguar's weak secondary or run it through the soft middle of their line Weakness: Quarterback controversy between Luke McCown a...

AFC North

Now that the NFL season is upon us, staying informed is more important than ever. This in-depth Onion Sports guide places all the vital information about this years' teams at your fingertips. Don't watch a single game without this useful tool!

New WNBA Promotion Lets First 100 Fans Leave Early

NEW YORK—In an effort to increase attendance and reward the league's fans, WNBA president Donna Orender announced Wednesday that the first 100 ticket holders to arrive at the conference semifinal games would be allowed to leave extra early.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 24, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries

    Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You should really try to live your life so that your happiness doesn't depend so much on whether or not they find the Higgs boson particle.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll take a long trip on a luxurious passenger train and meet a diverse group of travelers, all of whom will later collaborate to murder you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You've managed to maintain a little bit of mystery about yourself, but that will evaporate when they find the last two nurses' bodies.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The stars only allowed you to keep that kitten because you promised you'd feed it and clean up after it. Now put it in the shoe box and say goodbye.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    If there's one thing that gives you hope when all else fails—one small true thing that keeps you hanging on to this life—you sure haven't thought of it yet.
  • Libra

    Libra

    After years of trying to cultivate a gruff-but-lovable persona, you've gotten as far as a pretty decent abusive-but-fuckable.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    People are free to think whatever they want, but you're pretty sure the parking-lot attendant guys were the real heroes of Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll be diagnosed with a rare condition that makes it impossible for you to get started in the morning unless you have, like, three cups of coffee.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You won't be immortalized upon death, specifically, but people will come from miles around to see the Tomb of the Unknown Guy Who Tried to Eat a Whole 6-Foot Sub In 30 Seconds.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    It's not that she no longer loves you, it's that she never did. She is a plastic doll and cannot love.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The smell still won't go away. It won't. It won't. It won't.
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