Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 26, 2014

Top Headlines


Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 26, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's important, as Kipling said, to treat triumph and disaster both the same, but it seems all you ever get are mild satisfaction and vague disappointment.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're trying to live healthier, but you'll continue refusing to give up cigars, since they're still the best way to light the dynamite you throw into children's hospitals.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will soon be judged by a jury of your peers, which is a good thing, as people who weren't also self-centered drunken assholes would probably want you dead.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll ask the tool salesman for a drill press that can bore all the way through a bowling pin the long way, but he'll know damn well what you really want it for.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be asked to give up your destructive patterns of behavior by concerned people who love you but don't understand how much fun it is to destroy things.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The blessed arrival of a baby in your life would be greeted with a lot more joy if you could figure out who mailed it to you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Investigators on the scene of the accident will say there was nothing you could have done, unless you count not stomping on the gas and driving straight into the huge tanker truck.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Someday, people will have healthy, well-adjusted attitudes toward sex, but until then, you can still have it occasionally.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your ravenous hunger for human flesh will be quashed when you find out how it's made and how much artificial crap is in it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be granted an uncommonly long life, though an uncommonly large part of it will be spent getting into bus accidents.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There will be a brief cease-fire in the age-old war between the sexes as both sides cooperate in hunting you down and trying you for war crimes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The flaw in your plan was the part where your accomplice would start a fire, and in the confusion, you would sneak into the philosophy department and finish writing your dissertation.


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