Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 26, 2014

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Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.

A Timeline Of Upcoming Superhero Movies

Following the massive successes of the Spider-Man, Batman, Avengers, and X-Men franchises, studios Marvel and DC Entertainment have announced as many as 40 upcoming superhero movies to be released over the next six years ...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

TV Show Under Fire For Depicting Murder

LOS ANGELES—In what is being described as perhaps the most shocking and distasteful moment in broadcast history, the popular primetime television show Criminal Minds is facing heavy criticism today for airing an episode that depicted the act ...
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Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 26, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's important, as Kipling said, to treat triumph and disaster both the same, but it seems all you ever get are mild satisfaction and vague disappointment.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're trying to live healthier, but you'll continue refusing to give up cigars, since they're still the best way to light the dynamite you throw into children's hospitals.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will soon be judged by a jury of your peers, which is a good thing, as people who weren't also self-centered drunken assholes would probably want you dead.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll ask the tool salesman for a drill press that can bore all the way through a bowling pin the long way, but he'll know damn well what you really want it for.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be asked to give up your destructive patterns of behavior by concerned people who love you but don't understand how much fun it is to destroy things.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The blessed arrival of a baby in your life would be greeted with a lot more joy if you could figure out who mailed it to you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Investigators on the scene of the accident will say there was nothing you could have done, unless you count not stomping on the gas and driving straight into the huge tanker truck.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Someday, people will have healthy, well-adjusted attitudes toward sex, but until then, you can still have it occasionally.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your ravenous hunger for human flesh will be quashed when you find out how it's made and how much artificial crap is in it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be granted an uncommonly long life, though an uncommonly large part of it will be spent getting into bus accidents.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There will be a brief cease-fire in the age-old war between the sexes as both sides cooperate in hunting you down and trying you for war crimes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The flaw in your plan was the part where your accomplice would start a fire, and in the confusion, you would sneak into the philosophy department and finish writing your dissertation.
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