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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 26, 2014

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 26, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's important, as Kipling said, to treat triumph and disaster both the same, but it seems all you ever get are mild satisfaction and vague disappointment.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're trying to live healthier, but you'll continue refusing to give up cigars, since they're still the best way to light the dynamite you throw into children's hospitals.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will soon be judged by a jury of your peers, which is a good thing, as people who weren't also self-centered drunken assholes would probably want you dead.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll ask the tool salesman for a drill press that can bore all the way through a bowling pin the long way, but he'll know damn well what you really want it for.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be asked to give up your destructive patterns of behavior by concerned people who love you but don't understand how much fun it is to destroy things.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The blessed arrival of a baby in your life would be greeted with a lot more joy if you could figure out who mailed it to you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Investigators on the scene of the accident will say there was nothing you could have done, unless you count not stomping on the gas and driving straight into the huge tanker truck.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Someday, people will have healthy, well-adjusted attitudes toward sex, but until then, you can still have it occasionally.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your ravenous hunger for human flesh will be quashed when you find out how it's made and how much artificial crap is in it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be granted an uncommonly long life, though an uncommonly large part of it will be spent getting into bus accidents.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There will be a brief cease-fire in the age-old war between the sexes as both sides cooperate in hunting you down and trying you for war crimes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The flaw in your plan was the part where your accomplice would start a fire, and in the confusion, you would sneak into the philosophy department and finish writing your dissertation.

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