Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 26, 2014

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Vol 50 Issue 34

Researchers: Panda Faked Pregnancy To Get More Bamboo

After discovering the marsupial wasn't actually pregnant as believed, researchers at the Chengu Giant Panda Breeding Research Center in China said that giant panda Ai Hin faked being pregnant in order to receive more bamboo, extra fruit treats, and a nice...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Comfort

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Family

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 26, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries

    It's important, as Kipling said, to treat triumph and disaster both the same, but it seems all you ever get are mild satisfaction and vague disappointment.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You're trying to live healthier, but you'll continue refusing to give up cigars, since they're still the best way to light the dynamite you throw into children's hospitals.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will soon be judged by a jury of your peers, which is a good thing, as people who weren't also self-centered drunken assholes would probably want you dead.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll ask the tool salesman for a drill press that can bore all the way through a bowling pin the long way, but he'll know damn well what you really want it for.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll be asked to give up your destructive patterns of behavior by concerned people who love you but don't understand how much fun it is to destroy things.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The blessed arrival of a baby in your life would be greeted with a lot more joy if you could figure out who mailed it to you.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Investigators on the scene of the accident will say there was nothing you could have done, unless you count not stomping on the gas and driving straight into the huge tanker truck.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Someday, people will have healthy, well-adjusted attitudes toward sex, but until then, you can still have it occasionally.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your ravenous hunger for human flesh will be quashed when you find out how it's made and how much artificial crap is in it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will be granted an uncommonly long life, though an uncommonly large part of it will be spent getting into bus accidents.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    There will be a brief cease-fire in the age-old war between the sexes as both sides cooperate in hunting you down and trying you for war crimes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The flaw in your plan was the part where your accomplice would start a fire, and in the confusion, you would sneak into the philosophy department and finish writing your dissertation.
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