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Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 27, 2013

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Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 27, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll continue playing dress-up this week, despite being almost 30, and feeling kind of silly every time you put on that professional-looking suit.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Remember: God means something different to everyone, but only you, and those who agree with you, are right.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The human mind is a thing of startling beauty. Unfortunately yours is mostly filled with old phone numbers and minor celebrity trivia.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Nobody knows the troubles you've seen. Remind them of this fact at every possible opportunity.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A tall, dark stranger stops by, lucky numbers 7 and 29 are in the studio, and musical guest Vampire Weekend—all that and much, much more, tonight on Later With Libra.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say that having a child changes anything, but what they really mean is "keeping a child."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After weeks of setbacks, false-alarms, and outright obstructionism, Congress will finally pass a massive, 3.4 ounce kidney stone this Friday.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    More and more, you're beginning to suspect your nickname might be pejorative.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Any hope you once had of aging with grace and dignity will be dashed this week, when you turn 25.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Ignorance and stupidity will soon be yours, when the Tree of Wisdom is cut down to make room for another mini-mall.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Financial reward is most definitely in your future. Keep scooping out those “take-a-penny” trays at the truckstops along I-90.

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