Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 28, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 35

Gun vs. Knives

Game Show 4:00 p.m. EDT/3:00 p.m. CDT Can Team Knife turn it around?

Michelle Lokey and Grant Bergen

Michelle Lokey and Grant Bergen were united in marriage Saturday in a lovely ceremony during which, let’s face it, it crossed every guest’s mind at one point or another that the couple was going to have some real pale and mole-y children.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 28, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week thanks to a series of well-placed commas.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    They say you have a head for numbers, but that’s because “head for tumors” isn’t really an expression.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The stars apologize for last week’s prediction of “money problems.” Looks like they forgot the “k” in there.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You’ll soon possess the courage of 10 men, and the sexually transmitted diseases of about 50.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your creativity will be at an all-time high today, much to the dismay of your wife, the vacuum-cleaner salesman, and the dozen or so poodles.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Text “LIBRA” now for your chance to enter our weekly Astrological Giveaway! (Contest void in Hawaii, Alaska, and the binary star system of Alpha Centauri.)
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You’re no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Things will look up this week, before baring their teeth, rearing up on their hind legs, and suddenly leaping at your throat.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You may not be a wealthy man, or a rich man, or even a prosperous man, but then, you do have a mastery of English-language synonyms.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    It may seem like torture to you now, but one day you’ll thank your parents for ripping off those fingernails.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You’ll do it for the children this week, which is really too bad, as “it” involves exposing yourself behind some bushes.
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