Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 28, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 35

Gun vs. Knives

Game Show 4:00 p.m. EDT/3:00 p.m. CDT Can Team Knife turn it around?

Michelle Lokey and Grant Bergen

Michelle Lokey and Grant Bergen were united in marriage Saturday in a lovely ceremony during which, let’s face it, it crossed every guest’s mind at one point or another that the couple was going to have some real pale and mole-y children.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 28, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week thanks to a series of well-placed commas.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    They say you have a head for numbers, but that’s because “head for tumors” isn’t really an expression.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The stars apologize for last week’s prediction of “money problems.” Looks like they forgot the “k” in there.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You’ll soon possess the courage of 10 men, and the sexually transmitted diseases of about 50.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your creativity will be at an all-time high today, much to the dismay of your wife, the vacuum-cleaner salesman, and the dozen or so poodles.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Text “LIBRA” now for your chance to enter our weekly Astrological Giveaway! (Contest void in Hawaii, Alaska, and the binary star system of Alpha Centauri.)
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You’re no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Things will look up this week, before baring their teeth, rearing up on their hind legs, and suddenly leaping at your throat.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You may not be a wealthy man, or a rich man, or even a prosperous man, but then, you do have a mastery of English-language synonyms.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    It may seem like torture to you now, but one day you’ll thank your parents for ripping off those fingernails.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You’ll do it for the children this week, which is really too bad, as “it” involves exposing yourself behind some bushes.
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