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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 28, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week thanks to a series of well-placed commas.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    They say you have a head for numbers, but that’s because “head for tumors” isn’t really an expression.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars apologize for last week’s prediction of “money problems.” Looks like they forgot the “k” in there.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You’ll soon possess the courage of 10 men, and the sexually transmitted diseases of about 50.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your creativity will be at an all-time high today, much to the dismay of your wife, the vacuum-cleaner salesman, and the dozen or so poodles.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Text “LIBRA” now for your chance to enter our weekly Astrological Giveaway! (Contest void in Hawaii, Alaska, and the binary star system of Alpha Centauri.)
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You’re no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Things will look up this week, before baring their teeth, rearing up on their hind legs, and suddenly leaping at your throat.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You may not be a wealthy man, or a rich man, or even a prosperous man, but then, you do have a mastery of English-language synonyms.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It may seem like torture to you now, but one day you’ll thank your parents for ripping off those fingernails.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You’ll do it for the children this week, which is really too bad, as “it” involves exposing yourself behind some bushes.
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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