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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 3, 2010

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 3, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your belief that all life's problems can be solved with a heart-to-heart talk and a good night's sleep will be severely tested this week when you're introduced to mathematics.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This is a good week to start new projects, as long as they don't take more than four days and won't depress the people who find your body.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This week you'll show everyone that you can be stunningly sexy at 50, which is deeply troubling as you were 27 last week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll finally make an effort to remove your mental blinders, leaving the coroner to wonder why exactly you took the cordless drill to your temples.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    When all's said and done, you should probably have just let those pandas succeed or fail on their own merits.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll finally come to understand your own heart and mind, and by extension, exactly what everyone has been laughing at all these years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While it's true that life often imitates art, it's odd that your life imitates J.G. Ballards' avant-garde fiction piece "The Assassination Of JFK Considered As A Downhill Motor Race."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars foresee a lesson in humility this week when you try telling everyone about the "hot new band" Animal Collective, which the stars have been listening to for like forever.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You thought you had finally had done something strikingly new and original, but it turns out that thousands of people already in the afterlife got there the exact same way you did.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's really too bad you couldn't have been defenestrated years ago when it was cool before everybody started using the word.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Although you're beginning to despair, it's important to square your shoulders, set your jaw, take a deep breath, and try to hit the toilet with everything this time.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will definitely be remembered by all people for all time, a fact that should make you feel much more shame and disappointment than it may seem.

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