Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 3, 2010

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Vol 46 Issue 31

NFL Fans Turn Out In Droves To Watch Men Touch Cones

NEW YORK—Fans of professional football turned out more than 100,000 strong last week to watch grown men perform calisthenics, huddle around one another, and even run up to and touch orange cones, spokesmen for the NFL said Wednesday.

Illinois Does A Few Adult Films To Make Ends Meet

SPRINGFIELD, IL—After ending the 2010 fiscal year with a record $4.7 billion in unpaid bills, officials say Illinois has been actively pursuing a number of sexually explicit scenes in direct-to-DVD features until it gets back on its feet.

Albert Haynesworth

The Redskins' defensive lineman has a checkered past and is currently struggling to get into condition. Is he any good?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 3, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your belief that all life's problems can be solved with a heart-to-heart talk and a good night's sleep will be severely tested this week when you're introduced to mathematics.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    This is a good week to start new projects, as long as they don't take more than four days and won't depress the people who find your body.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    This week you'll show everyone that you can be stunningly sexy at 50, which is deeply troubling as you were 27 last week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll finally make an effort to remove your mental blinders, leaving the coroner to wonder why exactly you took the cordless drill to your temples.
  • Leo

    Leo

    When all's said and done, you should probably have just let those pandas succeed or fail on their own merits.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll finally come to understand your own heart and mind, and by extension, exactly what everyone has been laughing at all these years.
  • Libra

    Libra

    While it's true that life often imitates art, it's odd that your life imitates J.G. Ballards' avant-garde fiction piece "The Assassination Of JFK Considered As A Downhill Motor Race."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The stars foresee a lesson in humility this week when you try telling everyone about the "hot new band" Animal Collective, which the stars have been listening to for like forever.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You thought you had finally had done something strikingly new and original, but it turns out that thousands of people already in the afterlife got there the exact same way you did.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    It's really too bad you couldn't have been defenestrated years ago when it was cool before everybody started using the word.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Although you're beginning to despair, it's important to square your shoulders, set your jaw, take a deep breath, and try to hit the toilet with everything this time.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will definitely be remembered by all people for all time, a fact that should make you feel much more shame and disappointment than it may seem.
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