Aries | March 21 to April 19
Remember, when potential employers ask you what your worst quality is, you're bound by law to mention all those poor, poor nurses.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll be happy they can no longer use that eye-for-an-eye business on you, but unfortunately the next line allows them to start in on your teeth.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Investigators will be forced to assume the buck elk all decided you were trying to mate with their does, which suggests more foresight than you'd thought possible in a common ungulate.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Giving birth is a life-altering experience, but despite the pain and wave of emotions, that's not what you did in the bathroom an hour or so ago.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
While it's true they laughed at your dreams of being a talk-show host, it was actually because you did the monologue so well. Your choice of guests, however, sucks.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will take the first hellish step down a dark path from which there can be no return when you agree to get updates on Carnival Cruise specials and discounts.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
While it's true your future holds a possibility of love and a chance of financial success, it also holds an absolute certainty of angry Russian kidnappers.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The sight of the handsome young man in the apartment across from yours will awaken something deep inside of you, causing you to erupt with vomiting whenever you meet him in the hallway.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You're certainly no George Orwell, although you shouldn't have to be to recognize the sort of thing that's going on at work.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You're a self-made woman, which is a point of pride, but also means explaining a lot to the people working the X-ray machine at the airport.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Everyone has their price, but since yours is so much lower than anyone else's, you have saved a lot of people from finding out what theirs is.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Next Sunday morning will find you lying in an ice-filled bathtub with both your kidneys missing, but you won't be embarrassed, as the organ thieves will have taken your heart and lungs, too.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION