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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 30, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Remember, when potential employers ask you what your worst quality is, you're bound by law to mention all those poor, poor nurses.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be happy they can no longer use that eye-for-an-eye business on you, but unfortunately the next line allows them to start in on your teeth.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Investigators will be forced to assume the buck elk all decided you were trying to mate with their does, which suggests more foresight than you'd thought possible in a common ungulate.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Giving birth is a life-altering experience, but despite the pain and wave of emotions, that's not what you did in the bathroom an hour or so ago.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While it's true they laughed at your dreams of being a talk-show host, it was actually because you did the monologue so well. Your choice of guests, however, sucks.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will take the first hellish step down a dark path from which there can be no return when you agree to get updates on Carnival Cruise specials and discounts.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While it's true your future holds a possibility of love and a chance of financial success, it also holds an absolute certainty of angry Russian kidnappers.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The sight of the handsome young man in the apartment across from yours will awaken something deep inside of you, causing you to erupt with vomiting whenever you meet him in the hallway.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're certainly no George Orwell, although you shouldn't have to be to recognize the sort of thing that's going on at work.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're a self-made woman, which is a point of pride, but also means explaining a lot to the people working the X-ray machine at the airport.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Everyone has their price, but since yours is so much lower than anyone else's, you have saved a lot of people from finding out what theirs is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Next Sunday morning will find you lying in an ice-filled bathtub with both your kidneys missing, but you won't be embarrassed, as the organ thieves will have taken your heart and lungs, too.
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