Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 30, 2011

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Vol 47 Issue 35

Monsanto Corn Under Attack By Superbug

An Iowa entomologist discovered a corn rootworm that has evolved to be resistant to a pesticide produced by a genetically modified corn plant the Monsanto company developed to ward off that very bug.

Nostalgic Scientists Rediscover Polio Vaccine

NEW YORK—A half century after Jonas Salk first devised a vaccine for polio, nostalgic researchers at NYU Medical Center rediscovered the “classic” inoculation late Tuesday night, recreating the immunization treatment from a monkey kidney...

Circus Train Wreck Not Funny, Investigators Emphasize

ALTOONA, PA—Following the fiery derailment of a 56-car Ringling Bros. circus train Wednesday, hundreds of clowns, somersaulting acrobats, ringmasters on stilts, stampeding giraffes, and monkeys in colorful hats were seen fleeing the accident, which ...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holiday

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 30, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries

    Remember, when potential employers ask you what your worst quality is, you're bound by law to mention all those poor, poor nurses.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You'll be happy they can no longer use that eye-for-an-eye business on you, but unfortunately the next line allows them to start in on your teeth.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Investigators will be forced to assume the buck elk all decided you were trying to mate with their does, which suggests more foresight than you'd thought possible in a common ungulate.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Giving birth is a life-altering experience, but despite the pain and wave of emotions, that's not what you did in the bathroom an hour or so ago.
  • Leo

    Leo

    While it's true they laughed at your dreams of being a talk-show host, it was actually because you did the monologue so well. Your choice of guests, however, sucks.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will take the first hellish step down a dark path from which there can be no return when you agree to get updates on Carnival Cruise specials and discounts.
  • Libra

    Libra

    While it's true your future holds a possibility of love and a chance of financial success, it also holds an absolute certainty of angry Russian kidnappers.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The sight of the handsome young man in the apartment across from yours will awaken something deep inside of you, causing you to erupt with vomiting whenever you meet him in the hallway.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You're certainly no George Orwell, although you shouldn't have to be to recognize the sort of thing that's going on at work.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You're a self-made woman, which is a point of pride, but also means explaining a lot to the people working the X-ray machine at the airport.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Everyone has their price, but since yours is so much lower than anyone else's, you have saved a lot of people from finding out what theirs is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Next Sunday morning will find you lying in an ice-filled bathtub with both your kidneys missing, but you won't be embarrassed, as the organ thieves will have taken your heart and lungs, too.
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