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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 30, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Remember, when potential employers ask you what your worst quality is, you're bound by law to mention all those poor, poor nurses.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be happy they can no longer use that eye-for-an-eye business on you, but unfortunately the next line allows them to start in on your teeth.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Investigators will be forced to assume the buck elk all decided you were trying to mate with their does, which suggests more foresight than you'd thought possible in a common ungulate.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Giving birth is a life-altering experience, but despite the pain and wave of emotions, that's not what you did in the bathroom an hour or so ago.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While it's true they laughed at your dreams of being a talk-show host, it was actually because you did the monologue so well. Your choice of guests, however, sucks.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will take the first hellish step down a dark path from which there can be no return when you agree to get updates on Carnival Cruise specials and discounts.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While it's true your future holds a possibility of love and a chance of financial success, it also holds an absolute certainty of angry Russian kidnappers.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The sight of the handsome young man in the apartment across from yours will awaken something deep inside of you, causing you to erupt with vomiting whenever you meet him in the hallway.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're certainly no George Orwell, although you shouldn't have to be to recognize the sort of thing that's going on at work.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're a self-made woman, which is a point of pride, but also means explaining a lot to the people working the X-ray machine at the airport.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Everyone has their price, but since yours is so much lower than anyone else's, you have saved a lot of people from finding out what theirs is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Next Sunday morning will find you lying in an ice-filled bathtub with both your kidneys missing, but you won't be embarrassed, as the organ thieves will have taken your heart and lungs, too.

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