Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 31, 2010

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Vol 46 Issue 35

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Onion Sports 2010 NFL Team-By-Team Guide

Now that the NFL season is upon us, staying informed is more important than ever. This in-depth Onion Sports guide places all the vital information about this years' teams at your fingertips. Don't watch a single game without this useful tool!

Saints vs. Vikings

As the season kicks off in New Orleans with a rematch of last year's NFC championship game, Onion Sports breaks down the NFL opener:

NFC West

NFC WEST Seattle Seahawks Strengths: Reports from coach's office indicate Pete Carroll is a complete football genius Weaknesses: Team is in their ninth year of humoring quarterback and Make-A-Wish cancer patient Matt Hasselbeck Intangibles: Billionaire o...

NFC East

NFC EAST New York Giants Strengths: Excellent at believing Eli Manning is a Hall of Fame quarterback; cohesive offensive line understands that blocking begins when ball is snapped Weakness: No one but players able to afford entry into new $1.6 billion st...

NFC South

NFC SOUTH Atlanta Falcons Strength: It's been more than a year since Matt Ryan appeared in a Gillette commercial, so the Gillette commercial curse should have run its course; Black is still a very intimidating color Weakness: Have all the makings of a te...

NFC North

NFC NORTH Vikings Strengths: Showing off his youthful exuberance, 40-year-old Brett Favre is still out there running the media around like a little kid; defensive tackles Kevin and Pat Williams look impressive in their ability to stop all forms of justic...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 31, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your daughter's memory will still haunt your dreams, but it's a welcome change from all the relived failures and sweaty former scoutmasters.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Just when you thought it couldn't possibly get any worse, the stars confirm that you are correct and it is pretty much as bad as possible.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The clown car may be an overworked reference, but the doctors can think of no better way to describe the constant stream of clowns issuing from your abdominal cavity.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Ultimately there will be nothing your friends can do for you, putting you in the position of having to find more competent friends.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The stars say that this week will be a time of reflective contemplation, so postpone your plans to rollerskate around naked except for the gas mask.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Just when all hope is gone, you will find a secret stash of Oreos that actually makes up for quite a lot.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You're through giving advice to people, to the vast relief of the park rangers tasked with pulling their charred husks out of the volcanoes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll lose both legs in a railroad accident next month, but luckily they'll only be prosthetic replacements for the ones you'll lose at the zoo this Thursday.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    No one will be able to figure out your enigmatic last words, and the fact that you'll live in silence for three more years after uttering them makes that somehow cooler.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    After becoming a routine victim of bedbugs, you'll make history as the world's first victim of chair-, wall-, and all-over-the-catbugs.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    It comes down to whether or not you can play an instrument or drive stick, but no, you won't get the girl this time, either.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You've always said that if you were king, you'd make college free, but there won't be time between your coronation, the palace coup, and the beheading.
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