Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 5, 2014

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 5, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries

    Venus, the Herald of Love, passes into your sign this week, but it's so creepy in there that She only takes about six minutes to get out again.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Just keep telling yourself it's all going to be all right until you finally get it through your head once and for all that you can't trust anything you say.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Although it's true you can successfully hide certain things in plain sight without anyone noticing, it turns out not to be true of a whole Girl Scout troop's worth of corpses.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You tend to think of yourself as a big neurotic mess, but don't sell yourself short. You're also a big psychotic mess on top of it all.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The stars don't believe they actually have to say this, but just because you find a recipe that makes pancakes for 1,500 people doesn't mean you actually have to make that many.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will die alone, unmourned, and unloved, but because you do it on live television, you'll still manage to be considered a success.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your problem, if you're honest with yourself, isn't that you love too much. It's that you make love to people's mailboxes too frequently.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Don't worry: You're more than just a collection of annoying, loosely bundled neuroses. There are some tightly wound and dangerous psychoses in there, too.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    It's true that your heart is mature beyond your years, which is nice, except in the case of your rapidly aging mistrial and aortic valves.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Someday in the future, humanity will have a healthy attitude toward sexuality, but until then, you have an idea that could make you incredibly rich.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You are about to embark on a great journey across an infinite ocean of possibilities, unless of course the more cynical theories about the afterlife are correct.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your confusion over the exact meaning of the term "elope" will become apparent this week when parts of the bodies begin to turn up in the desert.
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