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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 5, 2014

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 5, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Venus, the Herald of Love, passes into your sign this week, but it's so creepy in there that She only takes about six minutes to get out again.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Just keep telling yourself it's all going to be all right until you finally get it through your head once and for all that you can't trust anything you say.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although it's true you can successfully hide certain things in plain sight without anyone noticing, it turns out not to be true of a whole Girl Scout troop's worth of corpses.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You tend to think of yourself as a big neurotic mess, but don't sell yourself short. You're also a big psychotic mess on top of it all.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars don't believe they actually have to say this, but just because you find a recipe that makes pancakes for 1,500 people doesn't mean you actually have to make that many.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will die alone, unmourned, and unloved, but because you do it on live television, you'll still manage to be considered a success.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your problem, if you're honest with yourself, isn't that you love too much. It's that you make love to people's mailboxes too frequently.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Don't worry: You're more than just a collection of annoying, loosely bundled neuroses. There are some tightly wound and dangerous psychoses in there, too.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's true that your heart is mature beyond your years, which is nice, except in the case of your rapidly aging mistrial and aortic valves.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Someday in the future, humanity will have a healthy attitude toward sexuality, but until then, you have an idea that could make you incredibly rich.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You are about to embark on a great journey across an infinite ocean of possibilities, unless of course the more cynical theories about the afterlife are correct.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your confusion over the exact meaning of the term "elope" will become apparent this week when parts of the bodies begin to turn up in the desert.

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