adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 5, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Venus, the Herald of Love, passes into your sign this week, but it's so creepy in there that She only takes about six minutes to get out again.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Just keep telling yourself it's all going to be all right until you finally get it through your head once and for all that you can't trust anything you say.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although it's true you can successfully hide certain things in plain sight without anyone noticing, it turns out not to be true of a whole Girl Scout troop's worth of corpses.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You tend to think of yourself as a big neurotic mess, but don't sell yourself short. You're also a big psychotic mess on top of it all.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars don't believe they actually have to say this, but just because you find a recipe that makes pancakes for 1,500 people doesn't mean you actually have to make that many.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will die alone, unmourned, and unloved, but because you do it on live television, you'll still manage to be considered a success.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your problem, if you're honest with yourself, isn't that you love too much. It's that you make love to people's mailboxes too frequently.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Don't worry: You're more than just a collection of annoying, loosely bundled neuroses. There are some tightly wound and dangerous psychoses in there, too.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's true that your heart is mature beyond your years, which is nice, except in the case of your rapidly aging mistrial and aortic valves.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Someday in the future, humanity will have a healthy attitude toward sexuality, but until then, you have an idea that could make you incredibly rich.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You are about to embark on a great journey across an infinite ocean of possibilities, unless of course the more cynical theories about the afterlife are correct.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your confusion over the exact meaning of the term "elope" will become apparent this week when parts of the bodies begin to turn up in the desert.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close