Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 6, 2013 

Top Headlines


Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 6, 2013 

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Remember: The sum of the pleasure of any two sides of a right-angle love triangle is equal to the underlying jealousy of the hypotenuse.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Try not to hold onto any animosity you may feel toward your coworkers this week, as that asshole Dave would probably love it if you did.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The doctors will soon treat you for an acute case of tuberculosis, but don't be alarmed: They're mostly just bored.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Repeated incidents of drunken and disorderly conduct, public urination, and indecent exposure will completely ruin what was once a very charming little Funkytown.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    No man should be made to feel like a stranger in his own home. Even if that home no longer belongs to him, and he has sneak in through its basement window late at night.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Speed-dating may not have worked for you in the past, but this time, try it without so much methamphetamine in your system.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sometimes you wish your kids had come with an instruction manual, but then, that's the price you pay for getting them second-hand.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be showered with dozens upon dozens of beautiful bouquets this Valentine's Day, all carefully and lovingly arranged, around your tombstone.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Disappointment will once again be yours this week when that female mongoose call turns out to be just another overweight human.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll find what you need in the sweet, innocent arms of a child, especially since what you need is fresh bone marrow.


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