Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 6, 2013 

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Vol 49 Issue 32

Carl Tresvant

Since he didn’t know anything about the topic being discussed, Carl Tresvant kept his goddamn trap shut.

Obama Taking 8-Day Martha’s Vineyard Vacation

The Obama family will leave Saturday for an 8-day vacation on the quiet, affluent island of Martha’s Vineyard, where they have visited three of the past four summers, and are expected to spend the week golfing, shopping, and relaxing.

Doctors Finally Clear Peyton Manning To Play Football

DENVER—Two years after performing his 2011 spinal fusion surgery, doctors announced this week that Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has been officially cleared to return to the field and take part in football activities.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 6, 2013 

  • Aries

    Aries

    Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Remember: The sum of the pleasure of any two sides of a right-angle love triangle is equal to the underlying jealousy of the hypotenuse.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Try not to hold onto any animosity you may feel toward your coworkers this week, as that asshole Dave would probably love it if you did.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The doctors will soon treat you for an acute case of tuberculosis, but don't be alarmed: They're mostly just bored.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Repeated incidents of drunken and disorderly conduct, public urination, and indecent exposure will completely ruin what was once a very charming little Funkytown.
  • Libra

    Libra

    No man should be made to feel like a stranger in his own home. Even if that home no longer belongs to him, and he has sneak in through its basement window late at night.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Speed-dating may not have worked for you in the past, but this time, try it without so much methamphetamine in your system.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Sometimes you wish your kids had come with an instruction manual, but then, that's the price you pay for getting them second-hand.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll be showered with dozens upon dozens of beautiful bouquets this Valentine's Day, all carefully and lovingly arranged, around your tombstone.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Disappointment will once again be yours this week when that female mongoose call turns out to be just another overweight human.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll find what you need in the sweet, innocent arms of a child, especially since what you need is fresh bone marrow.
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