Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 7, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 32

Occasional Butts

AMC 10:00 p.m. EDT/9:00 p.m. CDT Amanda walks out of the bathroom to put on a robe. Jared and David talk in the locker room after racquetball.

Fuck, Roommates Want To Have Meeting

BROOKLYN, NY—Sitting in the living room of his apartment Wednesday, a visibly anxious Drew Johnson told reporters that, fuck, his roommates want to have a meeting as soon as everyone can find a moment. According to the 24-year-old production assista...

Thursday, August 16

Authorities will be coming by homes to collect all children born the week of June 11-17 as foretold in the prophecy.

Just Give Us Five Episodes

CBS 10:00 p.m. EDT/9:00 p.m. CDT Detective Seth Murray and his hard-nosed colleagues take some getting used to, we know, but just stick with them and you’ll probably come around.

Colorado Shooter Being Evicted

Eviction proceedings were formally brought against accused Aurora, CO gunman James Holmes on Wednesday, with his landlord citing the tenant’s murder of 12 theatergoers, damage to the premises, and rigging of multiple explosive devices in the apartme...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 7, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    Four will be killed, 12 injured, and nearly 50 molested this week after your unconscious escapes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is a whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and, finally, you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Red-bellied trout are known for traveling halfway across the country in search of a mate, but it’s still a bit of a surprise when hundreds of them arrive at your doorstep.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Don’t be afraid to ask loved ones for help this week. After all, they expect nothing less from a fuckup like you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You always knew the day would come when the machines would rise up and take over the world, but never did you imagine it’d be so convenient.
  • Libra

    Libra

    After years of quiet introspection, you’ll finally come out of your shell this week, disgusting everyone with your squirming, mucus-covered frame.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    More and more, you’re beginning to suspect you’re just around to help move the plot forward.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Remember to count your blessings this week, as it’s the last time you’ll be able to perform mental arithmetic for months to come.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You’ll soon owe the local police chief, resident fire marshal, and head zookeeper a rather large apology.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Despite their best efforts, rescue workers will fail to pull you out from beneath hundreds of pounds of stored fat this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The stars indicate that—hoo, boy—that’s definitely going to hurt.
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