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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 7, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Four will be killed, 12 injured, and nearly 50 molested this week after your unconscious escapes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is a whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and, finally, you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Red-bellied trout are known for traveling halfway across the country in search of a mate, but it’s still a bit of a surprise when hundreds of them arrive at your doorstep.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Don’t be afraid to ask loved ones for help this week. After all, they expect nothing less from a fuckup like you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You always knew the day would come when the machines would rise up and take over the world, but never did you imagine it’d be so convenient.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After years of quiet introspection, you’ll finally come out of your shell this week, disgusting everyone with your squirming, mucus-covered frame.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    More and more, you’re beginning to suspect you’re just around to help move the plot forward.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember to count your blessings this week, as it’s the last time you’ll be able to perform mental arithmetic for months to come.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You’ll soon owe the local police chief, resident fire marshal, and head zookeeper a rather large apology.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Despite their best efforts, rescue workers will fail to pull you out from beneath hundreds of pounds of stored fat this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate that—hoo, boy—that’s definitely going to hurt.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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