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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 10, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Like a Phoenix rising out of the ashes, so too will you frighten a number of small children playing inside that ball pit.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everyone laughed when you said that global warming would destroy the planet, but that's primarily because you had your pants down at the time.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Lately it seems like every time you open your mouth something terrible happens. Don’t be alarmed: This is what is known as “food poisoning.”
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your creativity will skyrocket this week, moments after purchasing a number of colorful and hilariously incongruent wigs.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    They say it's impossible to survive without daily human contact, but then the Glowing Orb Beings from Muugaave-6 have ways of keeping you alive.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Nobody understands the excruciating pain you're going through. Although having to listen to you drone on and done about it is torture of a whole different kind.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll wake up tomorrow morning to find a baby on your doorstep, just like you have for the last three and a half weeks.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The ancient martial art of karate should only be employed for self-defense, or in your case, any time you drink too much and decide to ruin everyone else's night.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's not the size of the ship, but rather the motion of the ocean that will cause your girlfriend to get sick during intercourse.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The cheese stands alone. The cheese stands alone. You idiot---what are you doing!? Guard that damn cheese!
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Paved roads aren't exactly a new innovation, but you still manage to get excited every time you see someone get run over.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will finally land your dream job this week, an ironic achievement considering how little you'll be sleeping from now on.
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

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