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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 10, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Like a Phoenix rising out of the ashes, so too will you frighten a number of small children playing inside that ball pit.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everyone laughed when you said that global warming would destroy the planet, but that's primarily because you had your pants down at the time.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Lately it seems like every time you open your mouth something terrible happens. Don’t be alarmed: This is what is known as “food poisoning.”
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your creativity will skyrocket this week, moments after purchasing a number of colorful and hilariously incongruent wigs.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    They say it's impossible to survive without daily human contact, but then the Glowing Orb Beings from Muugaave-6 have ways of keeping you alive.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Nobody understands the excruciating pain you're going through. Although having to listen to you drone on and done about it is torture of a whole different kind.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll wake up tomorrow morning to find a baby on your doorstep, just like you have for the last three and a half weeks.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The ancient martial art of karate should only be employed for self-defense, or in your case, any time you drink too much and decide to ruin everyone else's night.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's not the size of the ship, but rather the motion of the ocean that will cause your girlfriend to get sick during intercourse.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The cheese stands alone. The cheese stands alone. You idiot---what are you doing!? Guard that damn cheese!
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Paved roads aren't exactly a new innovation, but you still manage to get excited every time you see someone get run over.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will finally land your dream job this week, an ironic achievement considering how little you'll be sleeping from now on.

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