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Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 10, 2013

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Entertainment

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 10, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Like a Phoenix rising out of the ashes, so too will you frighten a number of small children playing inside that ball pit.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everyone laughed when you said that global warming would destroy the planet, but that's primarily because you had your pants down at the time.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Lately it seems like every time you open your mouth something terrible happens. Don’t be alarmed: This is what is known as “food poisoning.”
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your creativity will skyrocket this week, moments after purchasing a number of colorful and hilariously incongruent wigs.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    They say it's impossible to survive without daily human contact, but then the Glowing Orb Beings from Muugaave-6 have ways of keeping you alive.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Nobody understands the excruciating pain you're going through. Although having to listen to you drone on and done about it is torture of a whole different kind.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll wake up tomorrow morning to find a baby on your doorstep, just like you have for the last three and a half weeks.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The ancient martial art of karate should only be employed for self-defense, or in your case, any time you drink too much and decide to ruin everyone else's night.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's not the size of the ship, but rather the motion of the ocean that will cause your girlfriend to get sick during intercourse.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The cheese stands alone. The cheese stands alone. You idiot---what are you doing!? Guard that damn cheese!
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Paved roads aren't exactly a new innovation, but you still manage to get excited every time you see someone get run over.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will finally land your dream job this week, an ironic achievement considering how little you'll be sleeping from now on.

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