adBlockCheck

Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 10, 2013

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 10, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Like a Phoenix rising out of the ashes, so too will you frighten a number of small children playing inside that ball pit.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everyone laughed when you said that global warming would destroy the planet, but that's primarily because you had your pants down at the time.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Lately it seems like every time you open your mouth something terrible happens. Don’t be alarmed: This is what is known as “food poisoning.”
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your creativity will skyrocket this week, moments after purchasing a number of colorful and hilariously incongruent wigs.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    They say it's impossible to survive without daily human contact, but then the Glowing Orb Beings from Muugaave-6 have ways of keeping you alive.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Nobody understands the excruciating pain you're going through. Although having to listen to you drone on and done about it is torture of a whole different kind.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll wake up tomorrow morning to find a baby on your doorstep, just like you have for the last three and a half weeks.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The ancient martial art of karate should only be employed for self-defense, or in your case, any time you drink too much and decide to ruin everyone else's night.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's not the size of the ship, but rather the motion of the ocean that will cause your girlfriend to get sick during intercourse.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The cheese stands alone. The cheese stands alone. You idiot---what are you doing!? Guard that damn cheese!
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Paved roads aren't exactly a new innovation, but you still manage to get excited every time you see someone get run over.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will finally land your dream job this week, an ironic achievement considering how little you'll be sleeping from now on.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close