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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of December 11, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A priest, a rabbi, and a minister will walk into a bar this week, order three stiff drinks, and break down crying in one of the most depressing jokes you’ve ever heard.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Friends and family members have often compared you to a china doll, but the resemblance will be uncanny next week when your limbs are broken and your head is pulled loose.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The presence of Mercury in your sign can only mean one thing: The stars have officially run out of euphemisms for discussing your monthly menstruation.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the near future.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You’ll soon die of embarrassment, though not before the vibrator-wielding chimpanzees manage to crack through your skull.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A bizarre chain of existential mishaps will result in your third viewing of the hit romantic comedy Sleepless In Seattle this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    As someone who has never been very comfortable with the sight of blood, you should avoid next Thursday’s baby shower at all costs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You’ll have your mind blown this week by nothing more than a shotgun slug traveling at nearly the speed of sound.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A hand crank, two steel hooks attached at opposite ends of the oral cavity, and sheer mechanical force will soon leave you with a giant smile on your face.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Don’t let negativity win out today, even though it probably will, because you’re a worthless human being who most likely doesn’t deserve to be happy!
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    In dog years, your border collie will soon turn 50, which explains the suit and tie, the growing stack of Wall Street Journals, and the rather conservative political worldview.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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