adBlockCheck

Your Horoscopes - Week Of December 11, 2012

Top Headlines

Entertainment

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscopes - Week Of December 11, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A priest, a rabbi, and a minister will walk into a bar this week, order three stiff drinks, and break down crying in one of the most depressing jokes you’ve ever heard.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Friends and family members have often compared you to a china doll, but the resemblance will be uncanny next week when your limbs are broken and your head is pulled loose.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The presence of Mercury in your sign can only mean one thing: The stars have officially run out of euphemisms for discussing your monthly menstruation.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the near future.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You’ll soon die of embarrassment, though not before the vibrator-wielding chimpanzees manage to crack through your skull.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A bizarre chain of existential mishaps will result in your third viewing of the hit romantic comedy Sleepless In Seattle this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    As someone who has never been very comfortable with the sight of blood, you should avoid next Thursday’s baby shower at all costs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You’ll have your mind blown this week by nothing more than a shotgun slug traveling at nearly the speed of sound.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A hand crank, two steel hooks attached at opposite ends of the oral cavity, and sheer mechanical force will soon leave you with a giant smile on your face.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Don’t let negativity win out today, even though it probably will, because you’re a worthless human being who most likely doesn’t deserve to be happy!
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    In dog years, your border collie will soon turn 50, which explains the suit and tie, the growing stack of Wall Street Journals, and the rather conservative political worldview.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close