Your Horoscopes - Week Of December 11, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 50

Fuck Everything, Nation Reports

WASHINGTON—Following the fatal shooting this morning at a Connecticut elementary school that left at least 27 dead, including 20 small children, sources across the nation shook their heads, stifled a sob in their voices, and reported fuck everything...

McDonald's Prints Calorie Count Right Onto Meat

A rare pornographic movie is shot at the Vatican for the first time since 1982's 'Pope Fisters IV,' Taylor Swift is apparently now dating 'Garfield' creator Jim Davis, and Mumford and Sons can't believe they all got each other mandolins for Christmas.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of December 11, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    A priest, a rabbi, and a minister will walk into a bar this week, order three stiff drinks, and break down crying in one of the most depressing jokes you’ve ever heard.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Friends and family members have often compared you to a china doll, but the resemblance will be uncanny next week when your limbs are broken and your head is pulled loose.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The presence of Mercury in your sign can only mean one thing: The stars have officially run out of euphemisms for discussing your monthly menstruation.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the near future.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You’ll soon die of embarrassment, though not before the vibrator-wielding chimpanzees manage to crack through your skull.
  • Libra

    Libra

    A bizarre chain of existential mishaps will result in your third viewing of the hit romantic comedy Sleepless In Seattle this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    As someone who has never been very comfortable with the sight of blood, you should avoid next Thursday’s baby shower at all costs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You’ll have your mind blown this week by nothing more than a shotgun slug traveling at nearly the speed of sound.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    A hand crank, two steel hooks attached at opposite ends of the oral cavity, and sheer mechanical force will soon leave you with a giant smile on your face.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Don’t let negativity win out today, even though it probably will, because you’re a worthless human being who most likely doesn’t deserve to be happy!
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    In dog years, your border collie will soon turn 50, which explains the suit and tie, the growing stack of Wall Street Journals, and the rather conservative political worldview.
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