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Entertainment

Biggest Announcements From E3

Each June, E3, or The Electronic Entertainment Expo, hosts game developers showing off their latest products. Here are this year’s most exciting announcements:

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 3, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The throbbing inside your skull will finally come to a stop this week, signaling the end of the Trematode's gestation period.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll soon possess the courage of 10 men, and the sexually transmitted diseases of about 50.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The hounds of hell will be at your door this week, clawing furiously to be let out and use the bathroom.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Despite the offer of a brand new car, an all-expense-paid trip to Greece, and a four-piece living room set, you'll once again go for the box with the question mark on it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll die a little bit on the inside this week, and a whole heck of a lot on the outside.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Everyone wants to live forever, but in your case it would just mean more time being chased by an angry swarm of bees.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your extremely trying week will not be improved by your decision to deal with all problems by leaning on the horn.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Nobody likes a know-it-all, but then, you probably knew that already, you smug jerk.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You should have more folding chairs around. If wrestlers come over and can't find one, they'll use something else.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Success is often difficult to define, though for you, it pretty much boils down to filling that cup with clean urine.

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