Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 3, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 49

Saints vs. Panthers

The Panthers battle the Saints in a game that will certainly come down to one bullshit call. Onion Sports examines what each team must do to win. 

Onion Sports’ NFL Week 14 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 14 games: Texans at Jaguars OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Jaguars – Following a disappointing 27-20 loss, Texans owner...

Inconsiderate Woman On Bus Eating Live Tuna

PORTLAND, ME—Passengers on the No. 5 bus expressed frustration today as an inconsiderate fellow rider began openly consuming her lunch of a live, violently flopping Atlantic bluefin tuna.

8th Grader Caked In Makeup Probably Really Confident

A slow-witted conspiracy theorist is convinced the government is behind NASA, the grisly remains of 15 hobbits is discovered in Peter Jackson's attic, and a cool guy from middle school is still sporting his phat pair of JNCOS.

New Attractive Person Comes To Nation’s Attention

LOS ANGELES—With well-groomed hair, symmetrical facial features, and appealing anatomical proportions, a new attractive person captured the nation’s interest this week, joining the ranks of all others who are considered extremely good-looking ...

Lawsuit Seeks Human Rights For Chimps

Borrowing rhetoric from the anti-slavery movement, a lawsuit filed in New York on behalf of four captive chimpanzees seeks to recognize chimps as legal persons with a limited right to liberty, which would prohibit them from being kept as pets or used in b...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 3, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    The throbbing inside your skull will finally come to a stop this week, signaling the end of the Trematode's gestation period.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll soon possess the courage of 10 men, and the sexually transmitted diseases of about 50.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The hounds of hell will be at your door this week, clawing furiously to be let out and use the bathroom.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Despite the offer of a brand new car, an all-expense-paid trip to Greece, and a four-piece living room set, you'll once again go for the box with the question mark on it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll die a little bit on the inside this week, and a whole heck of a lot on the outside.
  • Libra

    Libra

    It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Everyone wants to live forever, but in your case it would just mean more time being chased by an angry swarm of bees.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your extremely trying week will not be improved by your decision to deal with all problems by leaning on the horn.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Nobody likes a know-it-all, but then, you probably knew that already, you smug jerk.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You should have more folding chairs around. If wrestlers come over and can't find one, they'll use something else.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Success is often difficult to define, though for you, it pretty much boils down to filling that cup with clean urine.
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