Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 3, 2013

Top Headlines


Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 3, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The throbbing inside your skull will finally come to a stop this week, signaling the end of the Trematode's gestation period.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll soon possess the courage of 10 men, and the sexually transmitted diseases of about 50.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The hounds of hell will be at your door this week, clawing furiously to be let out and use the bathroom.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Despite the offer of a brand new car, an all-expense-paid trip to Greece, and a four-piece living room set, you'll once again go for the box with the question mark on it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll die a little bit on the inside this week, and a whole heck of a lot on the outside.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Everyone wants to live forever, but in your case it would just mean more time being chased by an angry swarm of bees.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your extremely trying week will not be improved by your decision to deal with all problems by leaning on the horn.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Nobody likes a know-it-all, but then, you probably knew that already, you smug jerk.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You should have more folding chairs around. If wrestlers come over and can't find one, they'll use something else.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Success is often difficult to define, though for you, it pretty much boils down to filling that cup with clean urine.


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