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Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 3, 2013

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 3, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The throbbing inside your skull will finally come to a stop this week, signaling the end of the Trematode's gestation period.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll soon possess the courage of 10 men, and the sexually transmitted diseases of about 50.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The hounds of hell will be at your door this week, clawing furiously to be let out and use the bathroom.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Despite the offer of a brand new car, an all-expense-paid trip to Greece, and a four-piece living room set, you'll once again go for the box with the question mark on it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll die a little bit on the inside this week, and a whole heck of a lot on the outside.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Everyone wants to live forever, but in your case it would just mean more time being chased by an angry swarm of bees.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your extremely trying week will not be improved by your decision to deal with all problems by leaning on the horn.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Nobody likes a know-it-all, but then, you probably knew that already, you smug jerk.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You should have more folding chairs around. If wrestlers come over and can't find one, they'll use something else.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Success is often difficult to define, though for you, it pretty much boils down to filling that cup with clean urine.

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