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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of December 4, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars believe that a person must make his own mistakes, but they warn you not to do anything that may, say, burn down Chicago this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Only God can judge you. Unfortunately, He’s been appearing to all your friends and telling them what an asshole you are.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The black widow spider does not have the most powerful venom of any spider in the world, but it’s still going to do quite a number on your legs.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The truth is indeed elusive, hard to comprehend, and subjective. What we’re trying to say is: You’re fat.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There hasn’t been a stampeding death in your area in more than a century, but your air horn and steer costume will change all that.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it’s far too complicated for you to understand and won’t pay off for years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Some may call your breast implants tacky, but at least you had the guts to try out unconventional shapes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You’ve always been a fashion-forward trendsetter, which is why, after next Thursday, they’ll all be saying that getting shot in the face is the new black.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Gradual, almost imperceptible change will make you a better person over the course of the next 37,000 years.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars could reveal your future, but they’d just be repeating what the Love Tester at the fair already told you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    People will come from miles around to seek your wisdom on all manner of things, which is proof that people will do anything for a good laugh.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You’ll never smile again after the tragic loss of your lower jaw and lips this week.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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