Your Horoscopes - Week Of December 4, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 49

Chad Greene and Danielle Faye

Chad Greene and Danielle Faye were married before friends and family this weekend, but as of press time it was not known if the ceremony was beautiful.

Oscar Mayer Unveils New Weiner Drone

The 15-year-old Duchess of McComb, Alabama announces her pregnancy, a 38-year-old little boy posts a picture of a fast car he likes on Facebook, and the nation's hardass cops finally find time to play games.

Pot, Gay Marriage Now Legal In Washington

Same-sex marriage licenses became available in Washington state yesterday at 12:01 a.m., and at the same time, a voter-backed law decriminalizing the recreational use of marijuana took effect.

Chris Christie Dreaming About 72-Inch Springsteen Sub

TRENTON, NJ—Slowly licking his lips and salivating as he indulged his imagination, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly spent most of Friday afternoon alone in his office daydreaming about a mouthwatering 72-inch Springsteen sub.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Your Horoscopes - Week Of December 4, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    The stars believe that a person must make his own mistakes, but they warn you not to do anything that may, say, burn down Chicago this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Only God can judge you. Unfortunately, He’s been appearing to all your friends and telling them what an asshole you are.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The black widow spider does not have the most powerful venom of any spider in the world, but it’s still going to do quite a number on your legs.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The truth is indeed elusive, hard to comprehend, and subjective. What we’re trying to say is: You’re fat.
  • Leo

    Leo

    There hasn’t been a stampeding death in your area in more than a century, but your air horn and steer costume will change all that.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it’s far too complicated for you to understand and won’t pay off for years.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Some may call your breast implants tacky, but at least you had the guts to try out unconventional shapes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You’ve always been a fashion-forward trendsetter, which is why, after next Thursday, they’ll all be saying that getting shot in the face is the new black.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Gradual, almost imperceptible change will make you a better person over the course of the next 37,000 years.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The stars could reveal your future, but they’d just be repeating what the Love Tester at the fair already told you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    People will come from miles around to seek your wisdom on all manner of things, which is proof that people will do anything for a good laugh.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You’ll never smile again after the tragic loss of your lower jaw and lips this week.
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