Your Horoscopes - Week Of December 6, 2011

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Vol 47 Issue 49

Coach Secretly Turned On By Illegal Formation

TAMPA BAY, FL—Buccaneers quarterbacks coach Alex Van Pelt admitted to reporters Saturday that even though he knows it's wrong and "very, very naughty," he secretly gets aroused when he sees a team line up in an illegal formation.

Who Is Romney Today?

Critics have long complained that instead of sticking to strong positions on issues such as immigration, federal spending, and health care reform, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has routinely changed his stance to appeal to voters. Here...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of December 6, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries

    Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from getting on TV following next week's volcano disaster.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You're finally ready to put the entire sordid incident behind you, but it's getting another 50,000 YouTube hits a day.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    TMitochondria are passed on through the mother, which is probably why your cells don't understand what you do for a living and are wondering when you'll meet somebody special.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Remember, only you can make yourself feel bad, but it's important to let people know how much you appreciate their help with it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    It's cute to get a note asking "Do you like me?" including two boxes to check, but the White House stationery makes it a little disturbing.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You'll be called in for the 20th week in a row to testify before a council of your peers on whether or not punk is in fact dead.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The stars have something important to tell you, but first you must apologize for once again forgetting Lou Rawls' birthday.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll be taken completely by surprise when the Maritime Administration declares you a derelict hulk and has you broken up for scrap.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    They may not look that great, but they're not transmissible to sexual partners, and you can always find someone who's into genital stalactites.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You had no idea the cheetah's feces-elimination process was so loud, so violent, and so frequently what was keeping you awake at night.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Decide to make the world a better place this week, but not before making sure your stuff goes to the right charities and surviving friends.
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