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Your Horoscopes - Week Of December 6, 2011

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Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of December 6, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from getting on TV following next week's volcano disaster.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're finally ready to put the entire sordid incident behind you, but it's getting another 50,000 YouTube hits a day.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    TMitochondria are passed on through the mother, which is probably why your cells don't understand what you do for a living and are wondering when you'll meet somebody special.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Remember, only you can make yourself feel bad, but it's important to let people know how much you appreciate their help with it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's cute to get a note asking "Do you like me?" including two boxes to check, but the White House stationery makes it a little disturbing.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll be called in for the 20th week in a row to testify before a council of your peers on whether or not punk is in fact dead.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars have something important to tell you, but first you must apologize for once again forgetting Lou Rawls' birthday.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll be taken completely by surprise when the Maritime Administration declares you a derelict hulk and has you broken up for scrap.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    They may not look that great, but they're not transmissible to sexual partners, and you can always find someone who's into genital stalactites.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You had no idea the cheetah's feces-elimination process was so loud, so violent, and so frequently what was keeping you awake at night.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Decide to make the world a better place this week, but not before making sure your stuff goes to the right charities and surviving friends.

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