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Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 1, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll finally discover what you were born to do when you turn out to be the only person at Gorilla Taco who fits in the combination gorilla/taco suit.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    For the last time: Once your first male child is dead, the next one in line does not automatically become your firstborn son, so cool it with all the sacrifices.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although the secrets of heaven and earth are denied to you, the secret of pancakes turns out to be the use of sour cream.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    They say it's never too late to do something meaningful with your life, which is a nice idea, but you actually have about nine days.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Kindly strangers will do you a favor this week by removing your blindfold, taking away the stick, and explaining exactly what is meant by the word "piñata."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Smile, and the world smiles with you; cry, and you cry alone. But if you're standing over a pile of dismembered infants and there are TV cameras around, you should probably try for the opposite.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will finally meet the man of your dreams, which sounds like good news until you remember some of your dreams.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's simply not true that most people think you're an anonymous loser. In fact, most people have never even heard of you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will soon come into a great deal of money, resulting in your arrest and immediate dismissal from your job as a bank teller.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've seen the evidence and spoken to eyewitnesses, but you still think that Bernese mountain dog puppies are just too cute to be real.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars say that you will have a decent week, but will forget to buy milk on Wednesday and will wear the wrong shoes for the weather Friday. Seriously, there are around 200 billion stars in the Milky Way alone, and some of them can be pretty specific.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've raised three children, started a successful business, and made peace with God, but you'll soon discover that there are some things duct tape just can't do.

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