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Your Horoscopes – Week Of February 11, 2014

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Entertainment

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of February 11, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon embark on a long journey over water by night, which will be extremely romantic until you figure out how low the pilot is flying.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will find work in a strange office in which everyone is happy, no one makes irritating small talk about reality TV, and the work is challenging and rewarding.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your life will be cut tragically short next week by the untimely discovery that your breadmaker can also be used to make doughnuts.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Love flickers, love fades, and love can gutter and die, but love is still better than those fucking compact fluorescent bulbs.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You claim to be a champion of truth and beauty, but you still can't name three poems by Dean Young.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Future archaeologists will find your desiccated skeleton exactly where you starved, midway between two 64-ounce bags of Bugles.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You may be heartbroken, but you can no more stop him from leaving than you can stop the toaster from falling into your bathtub Thursday.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's time you learned to treat people as individuals instead of mathematically predictable members of an aggregate set, no matter how well that works.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The men in lab coats will once more come for you one dark night this week, but it's just because they left one of their lab coats at your place last time.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars had something important to tell you, but California's gay marriage ban was just overturned so they're going to get drunk and go dancing instead.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They thought they had you pegged. They thought they could screw you over and you'd just take it lying down. They were wrong. You're thrashing about in ecstasy like a crazy person. It's a little freaky.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your life will continue on pretty much the way it always has.

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