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Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of February 12, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An out-of-body experience will soon leave you with a deeper understanding of just how much weight you should be trying to lose.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You are about to find love in the most unlikely of places, or at least that's what the panting, neglected sociopath living in the abandoned textiles factory will call it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In times of crisis you've often looked to the stars for guidance, and this weekend will be no different, aside, of course, from your utter failure to identify which one of us is Polaris.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will soon learn that only by hastily skimming the errors of the past can we hope to mostly avoid repeating what we dimly remember them to be in the future.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There are two sides to every story. Unfortunately, no respectable publisher is interested in putting out your account of D.H. Lawrence's ‘Sons And Lovers.’
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Approaching police sirens combined with your naturally paranoid tendencies will significantly alter the stuffing of tonight's honeysuckle white turkey.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say you can't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes, but after 3,000 feet, you're beginning to suspect he'd like to have his sneakers back.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will ignore the voice of reason once again this week, but that's largely because it's gone hoarse and grown nearly inaudible over the years.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Disappointment will be yours this week when what you first believe to be the play's curtain call turns out to be just Act 1, Scene 2.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Someday you'll inspire a whole new generation to pursue their dreams, secure in the knowledge that they couldn't possibly do any worse than you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll have a hard time putting what it is you don't like about your new neighbor into words, particularly after he slices through your larynx with a cheese grater.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye—not an arm, half a right leg, a lower jaw, several organs, five pints of blood, and the complete control of his central nervous system.

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