Your Horoscopes – Week Of February 12, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 07

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time.

Pentagon To Award Medals To Drone Pilots

The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans’ groups, as the new honor would rank higher than the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for distinguished battle...

Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life.  1969: Upon witnessing a group of neighborhood kids play a pickup basketball game, a 6-year-o...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Your Horoscopes – Week Of February 12, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    An out-of-body experience will soon leave you with a deeper understanding of just how much weight you should be trying to lose.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You are about to find love in the most unlikely of places, or at least that's what the panting, neglected sociopath living in the abandoned textiles factory will call it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    In times of crisis you've often looked to the stars for guidance, and this weekend will be no different, aside, of course, from your utter failure to identify which one of us is Polaris.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will soon learn that only by hastily skimming the errors of the past can we hope to mostly avoid repeating what we dimly remember them to be in the future.
  • Leo

    Leo

    There are two sides to every story. Unfortunately, no respectable publisher is interested in putting out your account of D.H. Lawrence's ‘Sons And Lovers.’
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Approaching police sirens combined with your naturally paranoid tendencies will significantly alter the stuffing of tonight's honeysuckle white turkey.
  • Libra

    Libra

    They say you can't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes, but after 3,000 feet, you're beginning to suspect he'd like to have his sneakers back.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will ignore the voice of reason once again this week, but that's largely because it's gone hoarse and grown nearly inaudible over the years.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Disappointment will be yours this week when what you first believe to be the play's curtain call turns out to be just Act 1, Scene 2.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Someday you'll inspire a whole new generation to pursue their dreams, secure in the knowledge that they couldn't possibly do any worse than you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You'll have a hard time putting what it is you don't like about your new neighbor into words, particularly after he slices through your larynx with a cheese grater.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Remember: It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye—not an arm, half a right leg, a lower jaw, several organs, five pints of blood, and the complete control of his central nervous system.
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