Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 14, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 07

Oh Fuck, What The Fuck Is That?

Animal 7 p.m. EST/6 p.m. CST A woman talks about the time she saw what had to be a centipede just sitting there in her bathroom—covered in fur and the size of her fucking arm—but when she came back it was gone and that's even more terrifying.

Smug New Mom Going To Start A Blog

SAN FRANCISCO—Three days after giving birth, first-time mother Courtney Baldritch has registered with the web service WordPress for the purpose of blogging the severely underdocumented experience of child-rearing.

Come Away With Me

Fox 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST Norah Jones sips a glass of wine and watches people have sex to Norah Jones songs.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 14, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your health continues to decline as your skin becomes too sensitive to endure sunlight and your soul remains too sensitive to endure dark, smoky bars.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    While you admire his technical execution and admit he had a nice gimmick going, you have no idea who Michelangelo's target market was supposed to be.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You can't shake the feeling there has to be more to life than "seductively unzip the jacket, primly zip up the jacket" all week long.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You've read the instructions on how it's made, talked to people who claim to have made it, even seen videos of people making it, but you can't shake the feeling that when it comes to toast the toaster does all the work.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll be shunned at work when you go from indifference toward Whitney Houston's death to bursting into tears over her in a disturbingly short time.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll receive hundreds of unsolicited estimates from eager housepainters when you mention your love of Jackson Pollock while walking past a Home Depot.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your short but remarkable career as the Serge Gainsbourg of country music will end Thursday as disgustingly as it began.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You're as envious of the moneyed classes as you are disgusted by their distance from and disregard for everyday life, but you're still no F. Scott Fitzgerald.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Just as you're coming to terms with the challenges and rewards of living alone, you begin to suspect someone else is still alive out there in the radio­active rubble.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Sometimes you feel like the whole world is spinning, spinning, spinning at a dizzying rate, causing the passage of day and night as well as fearsome Coriolis winds in the tropical regions.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    When future biographers address your astoundingly large body of poetic work they'll just skip right past it, partly because it's fairly complex stuff but mostly because they're writing your biography as punishment.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You're the kind of boring person doomed to be alone while trying to solve all the problems instead of hanging out with the cool people while assigning blame.
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