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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 14, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your health continues to decline as your skin becomes too sensitive to endure sunlight and your soul remains too sensitive to endure dark, smoky bars.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While you admire his technical execution and admit he had a nice gimmick going, you have no idea who Michelangelo's target market was supposed to be.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You can't shake the feeling there has to be more to life than "seductively unzip the jacket, primly zip up the jacket" all week long.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've read the instructions on how it's made, talked to people who claim to have made it, even seen videos of people making it, but you can't shake the feeling that when it comes to toast the toaster does all the work.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be shunned at work when you go from indifference toward Whitney Houston's death to bursting into tears over her in a disturbingly short time.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll receive hundreds of unsolicited estimates from eager housepainters when you mention your love of Jackson Pollock while walking past a Home Depot.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your short but remarkable career as the Serge Gainsbourg of country music will end Thursday as disgustingly as it began.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're as envious of the moneyed classes as you are disgusted by their distance from and disregard for everyday life, but you're still no F. Scott Fitzgerald.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Just as you're coming to terms with the challenges and rewards of living alone, you begin to suspect someone else is still alive out there in the radio­active rubble.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Sometimes you feel like the whole world is spinning, spinning, spinning at a dizzying rate, causing the passage of day and night as well as fearsome Coriolis winds in the tropical regions.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    When future biographers address your astoundingly large body of poetic work they'll just skip right past it, partly because it's fairly complex stuff but mostly because they're writing your biography as punishment.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're the kind of boring person doomed to be alone while trying to solve all the problems instead of hanging out with the cool people while assigning blame.

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