Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 15, 2011

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Vol 47 Issue 07

Trail Blazers Down To One Working Knee

PORTLAND, OR—According to sources close to the injury-plagued Portland Trail Blazers, after a series of knee injuries to center Marcus Camby and All-Star guard Brandon Roy, the team is now officially down to one good knee.

Tim Duncan Urges All-Stars To Use Inside Voice During Game

LOS ANGELES—Saying he understands how excited everyone can get during an All-Star game, Spurs center Tim Duncan made it clear Saturday that since the game is held inside the Staples Center, he expects members of both teams to put their outside voice...

Area Dad Just Wants Computer With The Basics

EDISON, NJ—Wary of paying too much for a new computer loaded with unnecessary bells and whistles, area dad Paul Moyers, 52, announced Friday that he just wants a regular, no-frills PC with only the basics.

Military Releases Drone's Suicide Note

In a shocking turn of events, embattled military drone plane TR425 destroyed itself. Military officials released the following suicide note written by the airplane.

Healthy Living Tips For Shawnas

Having a healthy lifestyle isn't just about staying out of the sun (or out of a tanning bed). Here are some simple tips to help Shawnas participate in a healthier life.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 15, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries

    You try to be an accepting person, but you still don't see why some people can't be a nice, normal gender instead of women.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Turns out that while dogs can't actually smell fear, they're really good at smelling who likes to carry bacon around in their pockets.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    When you think about it, there's really only one way to quit your job at the refinery in a way they'll remember for hundreds of years.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    All celestial signs point to you suddenly coming into possession of a great deal of twisted aircraft-grade aluminum, charred wiring, and burning jet fuel, but it's not what you think.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You, your couch, and your TV will be whisked away to a remote island by a wealthy sportsman who has waited all his life to hunt the Least Dangerous Game.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Once again, you'll be saved from boredom by the fact that matches are often given away for free in establishments that sell alcohol.
  • Libra

    Libra

    It's not wearing a white dress to your third wedding that people will find odd. It's the blood of your two previous husbands on the veil and train.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Truth be told, you haven't been a very good father, but it's not your fault that the mothers of your children haven't informed you of their existence.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll receive a recorded message from your future self in which you appear extremely insistent that an unspecified person be thanked for a waffle recipe.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    A journey of self-improvement ends almost before it starts when you find out there's a kind of waffle stuffed with cheese and booze.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your coworkers seem to be hinting that they wouldn't mind if you got rid of that beard, but you've been married to her for almost 10 years now.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Pluto rising in your sign this week indicates vast trouble ahead, as you really shouldn't be able to see it with the naked eye like that.
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