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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 15, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You try to be an accepting person, but you still don't see why some people can't be a nice, normal gender instead of women.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Turns out that while dogs can't actually smell fear, they're really good at smelling who likes to carry bacon around in their pockets.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    When you think about it, there's really only one way to quit your job at the refinery in a way they'll remember for hundreds of years.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    All celestial signs point to you suddenly coming into possession of a great deal of twisted aircraft-grade aluminum, charred wiring, and burning jet fuel, but it's not what you think.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You, your couch, and your TV will be whisked away to a remote island by a wealthy sportsman who has waited all his life to hunt the Least Dangerous Game.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Once again, you'll be saved from boredom by the fact that matches are often given away for free in establishments that sell alcohol.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It's not wearing a white dress to your third wedding that people will find odd. It's the blood of your two previous husbands on the veil and train.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Truth be told, you haven't been a very good father, but it's not your fault that the mothers of your children haven't informed you of their existence.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll receive a recorded message from your future self in which you appear extremely insistent that an unspecified person be thanked for a waffle recipe.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A journey of self-improvement ends almost before it starts when you find out there's a kind of waffle stuffed with cheese and booze.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your coworkers seem to be hinting that they wouldn't mind if you got rid of that beard, but you've been married to her for almost 10 years now.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pluto rising in your sign this week indicates vast trouble ahead, as you really shouldn't be able to see it with the naked eye like that.

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