Your Horoscopes – Week Of February 18, 2014

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Vol 50 Issue 07

Self-Conscious Flasher Fully Clothed Under Trench Coat

Delighted health insurance executives gather in an outdoor coliseum to watch a patient battle cancer, Anderson Cooper decides to keep his recent gay conversion therapy private, and a self-conscious flasher is fully clothed under his trench coat.

Study: Best, Most Important Memories Made Before Age 25

A recent study on retirees found that most people make their most important or life-changing memories before age 25, with subjects listing life transitions such as marriage and having children as their most important moments in life.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

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Your Horoscopes – Week Of February 18, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries

    To be truly human is to never give up; however, to be truly human is also to know the meaning of sacrifice. It's some deep shit, really.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Financial success continues to elude you as you have yet to determine the best way to advertise your enjoyable and affordable mustache rides.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    An error in last week's horoscope has probably resulted in you having a chance midnight encounter with a tall dark strangler. The stars regret any inconvenience.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Will you have the inner strength to deny a love that is no good for you? Do you have the courage to retry a project you've failed at before? Find out in next week's !
  • Leo

    Leo

    When all's been said and all's been done and you finally look back on the entirety of your life, it will be about three PM next Wednesday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Although it's true that the only tool you have is a hammer, everything you see looks a lot more like a sort of medium-sized box than a nail.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You've never been able to explain why, but you have a sneaking suspicion that the narrator of 10cc's 1975 hit "I'm Not In Love" was in fact in love.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll manage to get through the entire Helen Keller presentation with no hilarious slip-ups, but afterwards you're complimented by a guy with no arms and no legs who likes to waterski.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Sometimes you miss your days as part of a plucky band of mystery-solving teens, but hey, survivor guilt is like that.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    In a complete reversal of conventional wisdom, you'll find that you do in fact have to be crazy to work at your job, and that no, it doesn't help.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    No one knows what mysteries lie deep in the human heart, but you figure they're just not rinsing it enough or using a bright enough flashlight.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You've always been a never-say-die type of person. Luckily, your impending death will be so obvious that words will be unnecessary.
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