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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of February 18, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    To be truly human is to never give up; however, to be truly human is also to know the meaning of sacrifice. It's some deep shit, really.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Financial success continues to elude you as you have yet to determine the best way to advertise your enjoyable and affordable mustache rides.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    An error in last week's horoscope has probably resulted in you having a chance midnight encounter with a tall dark strangler. The stars regret any inconvenience.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Will you have the inner strength to deny a love that is no good for you? Do you have the courage to retry a project you've failed at before? Find out in next week's !
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    When all's been said and all's been done and you finally look back on the entirety of your life, it will be about three PM next Wednesday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Although it's true that the only tool you have is a hammer, everything you see looks a lot more like a sort of medium-sized box than a nail.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've never been able to explain why, but you have a sneaking suspicion that the narrator of 10cc's 1975 hit "I'm Not In Love" was in fact in love.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll manage to get through the entire Helen Keller presentation with no hilarious slip-ups, but afterwards you're complimented by a guy with no arms and no legs who likes to waterski.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sometimes you miss your days as part of a plucky band of mystery-solving teens, but hey, survivor guilt is like that.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    In a complete reversal of conventional wisdom, you'll find that you do in fact have to be crazy to work at your job, and that no, it doesn't help.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    No one knows what mysteries lie deep in the human heart, but you figure they're just not rinsing it enough or using a bright enough flashlight.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've always been a never-say-die type of person. Luckily, your impending death will be so obvious that words will be unnecessary.
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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