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Your Horoscopes – Week Of February 19, 2013

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of February 19, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There are a million reasons you shouldn't give up hope of ever finding love. None of them, however, are any good.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Forces are being set in motion that will forever change the way you look at microwaveable Mexican dinners.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your excitement over the new arrival in your life is shattered when it is born with antlers.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The men from the government will exercise a surprising amount of patience while explaining to you that income taxes are not determined by essay.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The Hands of Fate will intervene several times next week, knocking you into puddles for their own amusement.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your extremely trying week will not be improved by your decision to deal with all problems by leaning on the horn.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will successfully foil a secret plot to infiltrate your house and surprise you with birthday gifts, cake, and good wishes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your upcoming appearance on a popular wildlife show will provide a cautionary example to whale-watchers for years to come.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will soon learn the hard way that "motherly love" means different things to different mothers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The paramedics will find it much easier to load you into the ambulance if they remember to bring a few buckets along.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your hatred of the strange and unfamiliar leads you to open hundreds of identical fast-food restaurants.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars thank you for your interest, but you do not fit their needs at this time. Good luck in future endeavors.

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