Your Horoscopes – Week Of February 19, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 08

Daniel Craig Takes Home Pretty Good Actor Award

LOS ANGELES—As industry insiders had been predicting for weeks, Daniel Craig was a big winner at last night’s 85th Academy Awards ceremony after the 44-year-old actor took home the Pretty Good Actor Award, Hollywood’s highest achievement...

Are You Holding A Spoon Or A Fork?

FOOD 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST Producers had to search high and low for some real idiots to make this show at all interesting, but boy did they find some.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

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Your Horoscopes – Week Of February 19, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    There are a million reasons you shouldn't give up hope of ever finding love. None of them, however, are any good.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Forces are being set in motion that will forever change the way you look at microwaveable Mexican dinners.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your excitement over the new arrival in your life is shattered when it is born with antlers.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The men from the government will exercise a surprising amount of patience while explaining to you that income taxes are not determined by essay.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The Hands of Fate will intervene several times next week, knocking you into puddles for their own amusement.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your extremely trying week will not be improved by your decision to deal with all problems by leaning on the horn.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will successfully foil a secret plot to infiltrate your house and surprise you with birthday gifts, cake, and good wishes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your upcoming appearance on a popular wildlife show will provide a cautionary example to whale-watchers for years to come.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will soon learn the hard way that "motherly love" means different things to different mothers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The paramedics will find it much easier to load you into the ambulance if they remember to bring a few buckets along.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your hatred of the strange and unfamiliar leads you to open hundreds of identical fast-food restaurants.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The stars thank you for your interest, but you do not fit their needs at this time. Good luck in future endeavors.
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