adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 21, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of loneliness, you'll find the only other person on Earth who cares about cuttlefish as much as you do, inspiring a mutual hatred that will last the rest of your short and violent lives.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You firmly believe that prayer is a beneficial practice for ordering your thoughts and sorting out your feelings, but only if enough people see you doing it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will come closer to your own elemental nature this week when a sudden lance of white-hot plasma reduces you to your component atoms.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You were never certain whether or not life is better with a little bit of mystery until you figured out exactly what that smell is.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You had always believed that there were two kinds of people in this world, but that was before you discovered the existence of the Germans.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your joy at discovering that there is indeed meaning and purpose to life is short-lived when it turns out to involve a bunch of difficult stuff that isn't a lot of fun.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll revolutionize the dating industry when you combine advanced physics, chemistry and genetics to ensure that you are in fact the last man on Earth.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    In outer space there is in fact no such thing as "up" or "down," so it's not clear if you'll be falling forever or rising forever through the universe.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It is beneficial for a compassionate and intelligent person to stop now and again to consider the magnificence of human endeavor, so it is fortunate indeed that Mark Trail is still in print.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're a firm believer that travel broadens the mind, which is one reason why you haven't been outside of Missouri in more than 15 years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's rare that people can live a happy, healthy life without friends, so the crushing depression you're feeling is perfectly normal.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close