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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 21, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of loneliness, you'll find the only other person on Earth who cares about cuttlefish as much as you do, inspiring a mutual hatred that will last the rest of your short and violent lives.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You firmly believe that prayer is a beneficial practice for ordering your thoughts and sorting out your feelings, but only if enough people see you doing it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will come closer to your own elemental nature this week when a sudden lance of white-hot plasma reduces you to your component atoms.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You were never certain whether or not life is better with a little bit of mystery until you figured out exactly what that smell is.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You had always believed that there were two kinds of people in this world, but that was before you discovered the existence of the Germans.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your joy at discovering that there is indeed meaning and purpose to life is short-lived when it turns out to involve a bunch of difficult stuff that isn't a lot of fun.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll revolutionize the dating industry when you combine advanced physics, chemistry and genetics to ensure that you are in fact the last man on Earth.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    In outer space there is in fact no such thing as "up" or "down," so it's not clear if you'll be falling forever or rising forever through the universe.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It is beneficial for a compassionate and intelligent person to stop now and again to consider the magnificence of human endeavor, so it is fortunate indeed that Mark Trail is still in print.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're a firm believer that travel broadens the mind, which is one reason why you haven't been outside of Missouri in more than 15 years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's rare that people can live a happy, healthy life without friends, so the crushing depression you're feeling is perfectly normal.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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