Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 21, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 08

Bob Peterson

Bob Peterson, 47, walked up to his wife and gave her a big fat kiss in front of everyone.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 21, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    After years of loneliness, you'll find the only other person on Earth who cares about cuttlefish as much as you do, inspiring a mutual hatred that will last the rest of your short and violent lives.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You firmly believe that prayer is a beneficial practice for ordering your thoughts and sorting out your feelings, but only if enough people see you doing it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will come closer to your own elemental nature this week when a sudden lance of white-hot plasma reduces you to your component atoms.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You were never certain whether or not life is better with a little bit of mystery until you figured out exactly what that smell is.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You had always believed that there were two kinds of people in this world, but that was before you discovered the existence of the Germans.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your joy at discovering that there is indeed meaning and purpose to life is short-lived when it turns out to involve a bunch of difficult stuff that isn't a lot of fun.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll revolutionize the dating industry when you combine advanced physics, chemistry and genetics to ensure that you are in fact the last man on Earth.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    In outer space there is in fact no such thing as "up" or "down," so it's not clear if you'll be falling forever or rising forever through the universe.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    It is beneficial for a compassionate and intelligent person to stop now and again to consider the magnificence of human endeavor, so it is fortunate indeed that Mark Trail is still in print.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You're a firm believer that travel broadens the mind, which is one reason why you haven't been outside of Missouri in more than 15 years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    It's rare that people can live a happy, healthy life without friends, so the crushing depression you're feeling is perfectly normal.
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