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Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 22, 2011

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 22, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your fear of change means that spending the next few centuries in a block of ice will be extremely soothing, at least until the New Reformed Xalfraxian Alliance thaws you out.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll never again hear a negative word spoken of you, thanks to your sweet nature and an unfortunate incident with a pair of explosive earbuds.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's unclear whether you're going to murder ice cream men or become an ice cream man and murder people, but the stars are pretty certain you're going to be known as the Ice Cream Man Murderer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've never asked anybody for anything in your life, which may be why those expectant waiters have been following you around for years.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll become a victim of boredom in the workplace when the technicians figure out a way to make your x-rays a lot more interesting.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Although roughly 70 percent of the earth's surface is covered by water, that still doesn't explain why you have to be rescued from drowning all the time.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You don't know why people are so freaked out by your collection of bloody children's underwear. After all, it says Museum of Bloody Children's Underwear right on the hand-painted sign on your house.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This would be a bad week to leave your mansion, seeing as how you've betrayed about half of the people of Wisconsin.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    True love will careen into your life without warning next week, spin you around, take your breath away, dislocate your elbow,shatter your femur, and move on without having noticed you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    When all's said and done, it's our experiences that make us who we are. However, that doesn't explain why you're assistant manager of the produce department.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There are some kinds of pain that never go away, but after all these years you'd think they'd come up with a way to get that lobster to let go of your nose.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will never be able to explain to anyone's satisfaction how all those chickens could just appear out of nowhere.

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