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Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 22, 2011

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Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 22, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your fear of change means that spending the next few centuries in a block of ice will be extremely soothing, at least until the New Reformed Xalfraxian Alliance thaws you out.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll never again hear a negative word spoken of you, thanks to your sweet nature and an unfortunate incident with a pair of explosive earbuds.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's unclear whether you're going to murder ice cream men or become an ice cream man and murder people, but the stars are pretty certain you're going to be known as the Ice Cream Man Murderer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've never asked anybody for anything in your life, which may be why those expectant waiters have been following you around for years.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll become a victim of boredom in the workplace when the technicians figure out a way to make your x-rays a lot more interesting.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Although roughly 70 percent of the earth's surface is covered by water, that still doesn't explain why you have to be rescued from drowning all the time.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You don't know why people are so freaked out by your collection of bloody children's underwear. After all, it says Museum of Bloody Children's Underwear right on the hand-painted sign on your house.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This would be a bad week to leave your mansion, seeing as how you've betrayed about half of the people of Wisconsin.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    True love will careen into your life without warning next week, spin you around, take your breath away, dislocate your elbow,shatter your femur, and move on without having noticed you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    When all's said and done, it's our experiences that make us who we are. However, that doesn't explain why you're assistant manager of the produce department.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There are some kinds of pain that never go away, but after all these years you'd think they'd come up with a way to get that lobster to let go of your nose.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will never be able to explain to anyone's satisfaction how all those chickens could just appear out of nowhere.

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