Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 22, 2011

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Vol 47 Issue 08

CynGen Press Release

CynGen released this statement in response to public outcry over a screaming cob of genetically modified corn.

U-Say Responses To Tillis' Resignation

Our inbox has been flooded with emails of support for Tillis following his decision to step down. "God bless you,Tillis. Best of luck in all your drinking." --Jacob E., Franklin, KY "My friends and I will pour a bottle of gin on the sidew...

Upcoming SIURT Reports

Don't miss these upcoming reports by the Onion News Network Special Investigative Undercover Response Team: We all assume there are precautions in place to prevent restaurant employees from masturbating into our food, but is this actually the case? SIURT ...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Eating

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 22, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your fear of change means that spending the next few centuries in a block of ice will be extremely soothing, at least until the New Reformed Xalfraxian Alliance thaws you out.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You'll never again hear a negative word spoken of you, thanks to your sweet nature and an unfortunate incident with a pair of explosive earbuds.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    It's unclear whether you're going to murder ice cream men or become an ice cream man and murder people, but the stars are pretty certain you're going to be known as the Ice Cream Man Murderer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You've never asked anybody for anything in your life, which may be why those expectant waiters have been following you around for years.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll become a victim of boredom in the workplace when the technicians figure out a way to make your x-rays a lot more interesting.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Although roughly 70 percent of the earth's surface is covered by water, that still doesn't explain why you have to be rescued from drowning all the time.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You don't know why people are so freaked out by your collection of bloody children's underwear. After all, it says Museum of Bloody Children's Underwear right on the hand-painted sign on your house.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    This would be a bad week to leave your mansion, seeing as how you've betrayed about half of the people of Wisconsin.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    True love will careen into your life without warning next week, spin you around, take your breath away, dislocate your elbow,shatter your femur, and move on without having noticed you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    When all's said and done, it's our experiences that make us who we are. However, that doesn't explain why you're assistant manager of the produce department.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    There are some kinds of pain that never go away, but after all these years you'd think they'd come up with a way to get that lobster to let go of your nose.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will never be able to explain to anyone's satisfaction how all those chickens could just appear out of nowhere.
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