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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 25, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You should really try to live your life so that your happiness doesn’t depend so much on whether or not they find the Higgs boson particle.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You’ll take a long trip on a luxurious passenger train and meet a diverse group of travelers, all of whom will later collaborate to murder you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You’ve managed to maintain a little bit of mystery about yourself, but that will evaporate when they find the last two nurses’ bodies.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars only allowed you to keep that kitten because you promised you’d feed it and clean up after it. Now put it in the shoe box and say goodbye.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If there’s one thing that gives you hope when all else fails—one small true thing that keeps you hanging on to this life—you sure haven’t thought of it yet.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After years of trying to cultivate a gruff-but-lovable persona, you’ve gotten as far as a pretty decent abusive-but-fuckable.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    People are free to think whatever they want, but you’re pretty sure the parking-lot attendant guys were the real heroes of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You’ll be diagnosed with a rare condition that makes it impossible for you to get started in the morning unless you have, like, three cups of coffee.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You won’t be immortalized upon death, specifically, but people will come from miles around to see the Tomb of the Unknown Guy Who Tried to Eat a Whole 6-Foot Sub In 30 Seconds.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It’s not that she no longer loves you, it’s that she never did. She is a plastic doll and cannot love.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The smell still won’t go away. It won’t. It won’t. It won’t.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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