Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 25, 2014

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Vol 50 Issue 08

Obese Americans Get Less Than 4 Hours Of Exercise Per Year

According to a new study from researchers at the University of Alabama, the average obese American gets fewer than 4 hours of “vigorous exercise” per year, with obese men averaging 3.6 hours of vigorous exercise per year and obese women gettin...
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 25, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries

    Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You should really try to live your life so that your happiness doesn’t depend so much on whether or not they find the Higgs boson particle.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You’ll take a long trip on a luxurious passenger train and meet a diverse group of travelers, all of whom will later collaborate to murder you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You’ve managed to maintain a little bit of mystery about yourself, but that will evaporate when they find the last two nurses’ bodies.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The stars only allowed you to keep that kitten because you promised you’d feed it and clean up after it. Now put it in the shoe box and say goodbye.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    If there’s one thing that gives you hope when all else fails—one small true thing that keeps you hanging on to this life—you sure haven’t thought of it yet.
  • Libra

    Libra

    After years of trying to cultivate a gruff-but-lovable persona, you’ve gotten as far as a pretty decent abusive-but-fuckable.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    People are free to think whatever they want, but you’re pretty sure the parking-lot attendant guys were the real heroes of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You’ll be diagnosed with a rare condition that makes it impossible for you to get started in the morning unless you have, like, three cups of coffee.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You won’t be immortalized upon death, specifically, but people will come from miles around to see the Tomb of the Unknown Guy Who Tried to Eat a Whole 6-Foot Sub In 30 Seconds.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    It’s not that she no longer loves you, it’s that she never did. She is a plastic doll and cannot love.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The smell still won’t go away. It won’t. It won’t. It won’t.
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