Your Horoscopes – Week Of February 26, 2013

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Entertainment

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.

A Timeline Of Upcoming Superhero Movies

Following the massive successes of the Spider-Man, Batman, Avengers, and X-Men franchises, studios Marvel and DC Entertainment have announced as many as 40 upcoming superhero movies to be released over the next six years ...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

TV Show Under Fire For Depicting Murder

LOS ANGELES—In what is being described as perhaps the most shocking and distasteful moment in broadcast history, the popular primetime television show Criminal Minds is facing heavy criticism today for airing an episode that depicted the act ...
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of February 26, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While you may feel the urge to take everything on yourself, it’s best to slow down and leave the majority of the work to a professionally licensed coroner.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Wisdom says that God will not give you more than you can handle, but then again the Lord Almighty never got his Crocs caught in a revolving door.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Be aware that several of your closest friends may bring up a number of your personal flaws this week, which will make some at your funeral slightly uncomfortable.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your greatest sorrows arise from your strongest assets: your intuitive drive to please others and ability to do the worm.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars foretell that food will materialize in your refrigerator the fourth time you open it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will quickly accomplish every goal set out for you at your job this week, which will once again spell peril for 1,200 Detroit autoworkers.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While some see hourglasses as symbolic of the fleeting nature of existence, they’ll only ever remind you of your teenage summer fling with Chronor, the Keeper of Time.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your former elementary school will recognize you for your impressive body of work this week by warning you to never again come near the playground.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    They may tell you you’re deluded, that you’ve lost your mind, but you know good and well that those jabbering, naysaying radiators in your apartment don’t know what they’re talking about.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars see nothing but pain and misfortune in your future, but you probably like that, huh? You sick fuck.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You’ve always been practical when it comes to financial matters, which will make the removal of three of your family members from life support that much easier this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It will seem as if everyone’s avoiding you all week long, which will be odd considering that the engorged leech on your neck will be removed by Tuesday.
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