Your Horoscopes – Week Of February 5, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 06

Tips For A Romantic Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is right around the corner. Here are some tips for putting together the perfect romantic evening with your loved one: Make his favorite home-cooked meal and leave a trail of it leading to the bed. If you forgot to buy her flowers, ...

Song Crafted In The Deepest Pit Of Hell Wins Big At Grammys

LOS ANGELES—A song forged by the Ruler of Darkness himself in the blackest bowels of the accursed underworld proved to be the big winner at the 55th Annual Grammy Awards Sunday, taking home an impressive six of the music industry’s top honors, including Song of the Year and Best Pop Solo Performance.

SeaWorld Unveils New 20 Whales Stuffed In Pool Show

A PR firm advises the United States to distance itself from Alabama, the FDA announces peanut butter contains traces of rat feces but life's weird like that sometimes, and a doomed rabbit teaches an 8-year-old about responsibility.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes – Week Of February 5, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    You're beginning to wonder exactly who is in charge of quality control for all those treasure maps.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    An otherwise enjoyable week is shot to hell when you have several phone conversations with people from L.A.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You've never been one to take offense at accusations of arrogance, especially since they're all bullshit anyway.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    It's impossible for you to get more tail than a dogcatcher—partially because of your poor hygiene, but mainly because you're a dogcatcher.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will abandon your search for the wisdom of the East when it turns out to be devoid of cool kung-fu moves.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Good things will happen when you least expect it, greatly embarrassing you while you're trying to enjoy a shit in peace.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Having a girl pop out of the birthday cake was a fine idea, but you really should have given more thought to when the cake is cut.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Next week will feature family scandal, almost a dozen murders, a drowned girlfriend, and lots of manic depression, yet it's not in any way based on Hamlet.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will suffer dire consequences after toying with powerful forces you do not understand, namely gravity.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Everything you touch will soon turn to gold, giving the cops a glittering, sparkling trail of nine-year-olds to follow.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your defense lawyer is one of the best, but he will have a hard time blaming those 11 murders on the bossa nova, the dance of love.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You are in grave danger of losing whatever credibility you had as a psychiatrist, which is strange, as you've been in floorcoverings for 17 years.
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