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Biggest Announcements From E3

Each June, E3, or The Electronic Entertainment Expo, hosts game developers showing off their latest products. Here are this year’s most exciting announcements:

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of February 5, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're beginning to wonder exactly who is in charge of quality control for all those treasure maps.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    An otherwise enjoyable week is shot to hell when you have several phone conversations with people from L.A.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've never been one to take offense at accusations of arrogance, especially since they're all bullshit anyway.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's impossible for you to get more tail than a dogcatcher—partially because of your poor hygiene, but mainly because you're a dogcatcher.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will abandon your search for the wisdom of the East when it turns out to be devoid of cool kung-fu moves.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Good things will happen when you least expect it, greatly embarrassing you while you're trying to enjoy a shit in peace.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Having a girl pop out of the birthday cake was a fine idea, but you really should have given more thought to when the cake is cut.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Next week will feature family scandal, almost a dozen murders, a drowned girlfriend, and lots of manic depression, yet it's not in any way based on Hamlet.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will suffer dire consequences after toying with powerful forces you do not understand, namely gravity.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Everything you touch will soon turn to gold, giving the cops a glittering, sparkling trail of nine-year-olds to follow.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your defense lawyer is one of the best, but he will have a hard time blaming those 11 murders on the bossa nova, the dance of love.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are in grave danger of losing whatever credibility you had as a psychiatrist, which is strange, as you've been in floorcoverings for 17 years.

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