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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of February 5, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're beginning to wonder exactly who is in charge of quality control for all those treasure maps.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    An otherwise enjoyable week is shot to hell when you have several phone conversations with people from L.A.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've never been one to take offense at accusations of arrogance, especially since they're all bullshit anyway.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's impossible for you to get more tail than a dogcatcher—partially because of your poor hygiene, but mainly because you're a dogcatcher.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will abandon your search for the wisdom of the East when it turns out to be devoid of cool kung-fu moves.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Good things will happen when you least expect it, greatly embarrassing you while you're trying to enjoy a shit in peace.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Having a girl pop out of the birthday cake was a fine idea, but you really should have given more thought to when the cake is cut.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Next week will feature family scandal, almost a dozen murders, a drowned girlfriend, and lots of manic depression, yet it's not in any way based on Hamlet.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will suffer dire consequences after toying with powerful forces you do not understand, namely gravity.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Everything you touch will soon turn to gold, giving the cops a glittering, sparkling trail of nine-year-olds to follow.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your defense lawyer is one of the best, but he will have a hard time blaming those 11 murders on the bossa nova, the dance of love.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are in grave danger of losing whatever credibility you had as a psychiatrist, which is strange, as you've been in floorcoverings for 17 years.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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