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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 7, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    That person you've been seeing will finally introduce you to her friends, so it's a good thing you have an appreciation for taxidermy.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You might not always appreciate the story God is using you to tell, but you have to admit He isn't afraid to kill off major characters.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This would be a good time to start a new dietary regimen, seeing as you haven't eaten in three days.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Sometimes the people in your life are holding you back, despite the best of intentions. Try to be patient as you inexorably drag your struggling co-workers toward the edge of the roof.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll become a household name when society is suddenly in need of a term for "someone who gets hit by a bus once a week."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say if you teach a man to fish he'll eat for a lifetime, but they also say that to become a master you must defeat your teacher, so ask yourself if you want that hanging over your head before giving any fishing lessons.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You must grasp that actions have consequences. Start by not throwing broken glass over your head and forgetting all about it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Take heart—old solutions can still work for old problems, especially if getting drunk is your solution to everything.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll soon move to a faraway city where nobody knows who you are, which makes it kind of odd that they're all trying to kill you too.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    People can say whatever you want, but you'll remain firm in your belief that Archie is actually the greatest Manning of all.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A semitruck full of dimes will hurtle down your street and crash into your house, leaving you with no dreams left to achieve in life.
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