Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 7, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 06

16 and Present

MTV 10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST A bad case of the cramps threatens Gina's perfect attendance record.

The Dr. Oz Show

NBC 4 p.m. EST/3 a.m. CST Dr. Oz surprises everyone in the studio audience with free defibrillators.

Nonindigenous Larry Crosses State Lines

CINCINNATI—People in the greater Cincin­nati area reported multiple sightings of a non­indigenous Larry on Wednesday, leading officials from the Ohio Department of Natural Resources to conclude the outsider may have crossed state lines and t...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 7, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    That person you've been seeing will finally introduce you to her friends, so it's a good thing you have an appreciation for taxidermy.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You might not always appreciate the story God is using you to tell, but you have to admit He isn't afraid to kill off major characters.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    This would be a good time to start a new dietary regimen, seeing as you haven't eaten in three days.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Sometimes the people in your life are holding you back, despite the best of intentions. Try to be patient as you inexorably drag your struggling co-workers toward the edge of the roof.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll become a household name when society is suddenly in need of a term for "someone who gets hit by a bus once a week."
  • Libra

    Libra

    They say if you teach a man to fish he'll eat for a lifetime, but they also say that to become a master you must defeat your teacher, so ask yourself if you want that hanging over your head before giving any fishing lessons.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You must grasp that actions have consequences. Start by not throwing broken glass over your head and forgetting all about it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Take heart—old solutions can still work for old problems, especially if getting drunk is your solution to everything.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll soon move to a faraway city where nobody knows who you are, which makes it kind of odd that they're all trying to kill you too.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    People can say whatever you want, but you'll remain firm in your belief that Archie is actually the greatest Manning of all.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    A semitruck full of dimes will hurtle down your street and crash into your house, leaving you with no dreams left to achieve in life.
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