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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 8, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your plan to put on a spectacular song-and-dance show to raise desperately needed cash will somehow fail to save your foundering musical.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will realize too late that an absolute monarch is still in thrall to the needs of his subjects when your hamsters start dying of starvation.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although you feel as if you are all alone in a cold, brutal, and uncaring world, there are in fact 7 billion other people there.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Earth and Water magics are very strong in your sign this week, indicating that this is a good time to do mud-related activities.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've always believed that your soul is a lonely seeker of Truth, which does not explain why it's usually found in a crowded line waiting for Cinnabon.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's actually not true that doctors would simply allow you to die in order to harvest your organs. You'll be dead, all right.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Everyone will think you're just making a hilarious reference, undermining your efforts to warn everyone that the alien manifesto is, in fact, actually a cookbook.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    An angel will appear to you in glory and foretell that you shall have happiness, peace, and the riches of the world, which would be better if he didn't keep getting your name wrong.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The powers that be are in fact watching you at all hours and tracking your every move, but only because they're hoping you'll slip on the ice and drop your groceries again.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll soon have the opportunity to reflect on all the crucial moments of your youth when a chunk of flying rebar erases all your memories after age 9.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll receive a strange e-mail from the Nigerian government describing in painstaking detail the management of its petroleum-distribution infrastructure.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After years of work, you will be asked to submit your paper "There Is Nothing Like A Good Plate Of Bacon And Eggs" to the philosophy department at the Sorbonne.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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